


Surrender

by aishahiwatari



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: AU, Aliens Made Them Do It, Alpha Kirk, Angst with a Happy Ending, Biting, Bonding, But there are still rash decisions made under pressure, Canon Divergence, Claiming, Dubious Consent, Heat Cycles, I’m sorry, Knotting, M/M, Making Up, Marking, Mating, Mpreg, Non-Starfleet McCoy, Possessive Behavior, Temporary Character Death, That they might not have made otherwise, They get a chance to talk first, a/b/o dynamics, breaking up, omega mccoy, romanticized pregnancy, this took a turn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-08-29 10:41:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 21,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16742470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aishahiwatari/pseuds/aishahiwatari
Summary: Leonard McCoy is working at a clinic on Starbase 6 when he is kidnapped by aliens with unclear motivations. They lock him in a cell for long enough for his omega suppressants to wear off and his heat to start, anyway, and then they shove his would-be rescuer Jim Kirk in with him.Neither of them had been looking for anything like the other, but maybe they can make it work.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Fair warning: this is very possibly the worst example of an A/B/O AU that may ever have existed. Kirk is the squishiest alpha in the known universe, and McCoy is an outrageously defensive omega. They both refused point blank to submit entirely to their animal urges, and it’s all topped off with the usual hand-wavy biology. 
> 
> That being said, I quite like this story and I hope you do too.

Leonard had been in the cell for four days. His alien captors, the ones who had snatched him while he was en route to Starbase 6, had fed him at odd hours, provided him with far less water than was necessary to sustain human life, spoke no Standard and wouldn’t respond when he attempted to make entreaties relating to his continued care. He argued and fought and pleaded in turn, but nothing convinced them to unchain him, let alone release him. They provided no indication of why they had kidnapped him in the first place.

 

His cell didn’t even have a single window to provide a suggestion of time passing, entirely uninformative though it might have been when considered in relation to the Earth calendar.

 

And yet, Leonard knew exactly how long he had been there, because he was a doctor, and he rigidly tracked his dosage of suppressants, and it was at the four day mark that his dose wore off. With his wrists in manacles that were chained to the wall, he could move around the whole of his tiny cell, enough to use the bucket they had provided him with, but no movement could relieve the discomfort that itched beneath his skin. Nobody had so much as touched him in days and he longed for comfort, for the warmth that would only come from physical contact with another.

 

He had never viewed his omega nature as a curse so much as he did in that moment. As though he hadn’t struggled enough to be taken seriously in the competitive medical field, as though he hadn’t sweated and drank his way through the first heat he’d suffered since his divorce, as though he didn’t have to fend off advances from overly interested alphas almost daily, since his pheromones had switched from indicating bonded to broken to technically available. Well, he didn’t feel very fucking available, but it was only a matter of days, at the most, before he would be gritting his teeth against pleas for something, someone to hold him down and take him.

 

Well, he might have died from dehydration by then, he thought, finding a bitter humor in the prospect. He shivered, even though he wasn’t cold, sprawling on his back on top of the hay-stuffed mat his captors had provided for something resembling comfort, kept his arms out at his sides and forced his muscles to relax. Giving in to the rising urge to touch himself would only speed the process along, get him worked up and craving more. He couldn’t risk it, couldn’t bring himself to give up on the hope that maybe something might happen to save him from his fate.

 

Leonard lost track of time that way, nothing to contemplate but surviving to the next heartbeat, the blur of sensation, of his clothing chafing with every tiny movement, his breaths becoming ragged. There was just the steady rise and fall of his chest, the pounding of his heart pulsing blood through his veins, the gradual loss of sense and the conscious thought that made him more human than his nature.

 

He slept, maybe, or dozed fitfully at least, was certainly not fully cognizant when he was startled into awareness by voices, aggressive or animated and at least one of them speaking Standard. He wasn’t alone.

 

The realization filled him with fear and hope, enough of each or both for him to haul himself up to sit, leaning back against the stone wall that was hard but blissfully cool against his heated skin through the dampness of his shirt. All of his clothing still chafed, soaked through in places by sweat or worse. His mouth felt dry, his lips chapped. He clenched his fists so the manacles pressed into this skin of his wrists, trying to draw his focus away from the unrelenting need threatening to overcome him. It felt like he was swiftly approaching a peak, the spread of hormones encouraged by the uptick in his heartbeat, the warring terror and anticipation at the thought that this new arrival could be alpha, could give his body what it needed.

 

Sure enough, the new arrival was shoved into his cell, the solid metal door clanging shut behind him. It didn’t stop him from shouting colorful abuse and banging with his fists.

 

They had other cells. Leonard had seen them when he had arrived, had been aware of the presence of other humans, just a sense of their muted fear pheromones at the back of his mind. He had heard the horror stories, of course, of alien species who captured humans with the intention of observing their behaviours, the secondary gender so baffling to a number of cultures they wished to study it further. Could these aliens have gained enough of a grasp of the concept to believe they might have something to learn from the interactions between Leonard and this new arrival?

 

Leonard just watched the male, biting his lip so hard it almost bled in order to keep desperate entreaties from slipping out. The display of power and aggression was making his blood rise and he didn’t trust his voice or his body not to betray him. He had never been one for sliding so deep into his heat that he lost all of his higher reasoning, a fact that was thankfully keeping him a little saner than the average hormone-addled omega at that moment.

 

Eventually, his fellow prisoner sagged, leaning his forehead against the door and sighing. Halfway through his next inhalation, he tensed again. Leonard had wondered when he would notice he had company, prepared himself as best he could for the reaction of an unsuspecting alpha suddenly plunged into the hormone-rich atmosphere of an omega steadily approaching their first heat after years spent on suppressants.

 

A deep breath, though, and then clear, blue eyes met Leonard’s over the man’s shoulder. Leonard had expected feral red. Could this alpha -because he knew, his body singing with the awareness he was in such close proximity to an alpha- be bonded? Leonard didn’t usually get so carried away that he didn’t notice the sense that another couldn’t possibly belong to him, but they were unusual circumstances. He could possibly have fallen so far that his nature had decided that anybody would do.

 

Or maybe the alpha was broken. It wasn’t unheard of, after trauma or long-term deprivation or abuse. Leonard didn’t dare feel grateful for anything of the sort just yet.

 

“Uhh, hi.”

 

Leonard just arched an unimpressed brow at that, unable to rein in his temper or speak, just yet. Still, it didn’t seem like he was about to be assaulted, as much as his traitorous body resented that fact at that moment.

 

“So, I’m Jim. Kirk. First Officer on the USS Enterprise. I’m usually way more suave than this, I promise.”

 

Leonard couldn’t help the small, snorted half-laugh, half-sob that escaped him at that moment. “That’s definitely the most important part of all this.”

 

For some insane reason, Jim beamed at him. Leonard swallowed, forcing down the omega instincts that screamed at him. Jim was gorgeous, and strong, and in a position of power, all factors that combined to make him highly desirable from an evolutionary perspective.

 

“I’m Leonard. McCoy. These bastards snatched me near Starbase 6. I work at a clinic there,” Leonard bit out, eyeing Jim suspiciously as he moved, but he was just sliding down to sit on the floor, about as far away from Leonard as it was possible to be. How surprisingly respectful of him. Leonard’s omega instincts roared in a jealous rage at the thought that such a perfect match could be bonded elsewhere, the most logical explanation for his resistance.

 

“Yeah, they’ve been doing that across the sector. We were sent to arrange the safe return of prisoners. I guess you can imagine how well the locals kept to the stated terms.”

 

“But- your ship is nearby?” Leonard had to clench his jaw to keep his voice from shaking. He pretended not to notice the way it made Jim’s gaze tick to his throat then lift until he was guiltily and studiously examining the wall a few inches to Leonard’s side.

 

“Nearby, yeah. But- the planet has the sort of atmosphere that results in almost constant electrical storms. That’s why we’re so far underground. My check-in isn’t for another six hours and- well-“ Jim looked briefly sad for a moment, before he recalled himself, “It’s kind of a lottery whether they’ll risk sending an extraction team or not. We have ten reported prisoners and might lose more than that attempting to recover them. You. Us. The Captain’s a good man but the First Officer I sort of usurped would leave us here without a second thought.”

 

“If they did stage a rescue, how long would it take?”

 

“Who knows? Two days? Three?”

 

Leonard sighed, then hissed through his teeth as the muscles of his core clenched in a spasm. He had to take a few more shaky breaths before he could center himself, Jim’s eyes on him all the while, wide and concerned.

 

“You, uhh- gonna last that long?” Jim asked, tactlessly.

 

“In which sense?” Leonard growled, genuine heart-wrenching terror making him short-tempered. “My heat will break long before then. I may or may not die of dehydration in the remaining days.”

 

“Uhh-“ Jim’s voice was shrill before he cleared his throat. “Can I do anything?”

 

He looked apologetic in the face of Leonard’s not inconsiderable glare. He was also breathing more heavily than he should have been, for a man sitting still. Not immune to Leonard’s pheromones then, as much as he was trying to restrain himself. God help him, Leonard admired him, appreciated the effort and was doing everything he could to make himself seem as unattractive as possible. He had never had the temperament of the ideal omega, a fact that both influenced and was exacerbated by his seeming inability to attract a long-term mate.

 

“No. Although you ask me in a day, my answer will be very different.”

 

Jim made a sort of whimpering sound at that, and Leonard stared at him until he explained, “I’ve never- with an omega. I don’t know what to do.”

 

“Never? I thought that was all you alphas lived for, getting a helpless omega under your knot?”

 

The sound Jim made then was high-pitched and borderline hysterical. “Yeah, that’s what they say. But I’ve always been a little commitment-phobic. Omegas can be clingy. So- I never.”

 

 _“Clingy?”_ Leonard hadn’t meant to raise his voice, felt terrible when Jim flinched hard as a result, but it happened to be a matter about which Leonard felt very strongly. “You’d be clingy too if everybody around you suddenly changed their tune for three days out of every month. If everybody you thought you could trust suddenly forgot all semblance of decency and could think only of pinning you against the nearest hard surface and violating you-“

 

“Stop!” Jim’s breathing was short, panicked, his eyes watery. “I get it, okay? Nobody would want that. It’s why- I recognize I could be part of the problem. I would be a terrible bond-mate, I know, so I never risked giving anybody the wrong impression. It’s not the same -at all- I know, but I refuse to let my nature define me. We all should.”

 

For a few moments, Leonard just stared, deeply aware that he had been at the very least unfair, more likely deliberately provocative. And yet- there Jim was, denying his instincts, the urge to shut Leonard up and put him in his place. He didn’t doubt that had any other alpha stepped through that door, Leonard wouldn’t even have been given the illusion of choice.

 

It should probably have occurred to him that Jim didn’t exactly have many options in their situation either.

 

“I’m sorry,” he said, and saw Jim’s shoulders slump. “That was unfair. I don’t even know you.”

 

“I, uhh-“ Jim grinned a little sheepishly, although his teeth were gritted- “Probably know you better than some of the betas I’ve slep with. Still remember your surname and everything.”

 

Leonard gave a quiet huff of laughter, saw hope and relief bloom in Jim’s eyes. “I don’t know if you’re the best or worst alpha I’ve ever met.”

 

“I don’t think this is even the worst first date I’ve ever had.”

 

They shared matching grateful smiles, and when Jim stood Leonard didn’t even feel the urge to either cringe away or reach for him. He felt almost calm, bizarrely trusting of the strange alpha who had been literally flung in his direction and was- wait, what was he doing?

 

“Is that Klingon?” He asked, in between the banging on the metal door and the shouting Jim was doing.

 

“Saw a couple of artifacts on my way down here. They gotta trade with someone and it isn’t the ‘fleet. If I can get us out of here, maybe I can- ah!”

 

The cell door opened. Three huge, vaguely humanoid, gray-skinned aliens pointed phaser rifles at Jim, who backed off with his hands raised in surrender, still talking. Leonard didn’t have the first clue what he was saying, but all of them kept looking at him as best they could, with Jim arranging himself defensively between Leonard and the potential attackers. He focused on staying cognizant, and on holding down the urge to plead with one or all of them to fuck him. Huge gray muscles were very distracting, especially as they were engaged in unlocking his manacles and hauling him to his feet.

 

Leonard had no idea what was going on, Jim’s carefully blank expression giving nothing away to their captors but also leaving Leonard with no clue whether he had succeeded in making himself understood or not. If he were about to die, at least it would save him from having to make a decision about Jim, Leonard thought. His wrists hurt where the manacles had pressed against the ridges of bone. It was difficult to catch his breath and his chest felt tight, his legs already aching with the sudden exertion after so long spent without so much as standing up.

 

He was unceremoniously shoved through another door, his knees giving way but strong, solid arms around him, holding him up, warm and safe and- “Fuck.”

 

Jim smelled amazing, felt even better and Leonard was suddenly intimately aware that there were wiry muscles beneath the thin fabric of his shirt, tantalisingly close. They were of a height, but Leonard didn’t doubt for a moment that while he was a little broader, Jim was stronger, capable of overpowering him. The pheromones he was exhuding were already making Leonard feel cloudy and relaxed.

 

“Yeah, I know, not my best idea. Can you stand? I really need you to stand.” Jim’s voice was strained, so close to Leonard’s ear it felt like he had to physically tear himself away from the most comforting sensation he’d felt in- well. Leonard was trying very hard not to think about that. He managed to stand on shaky legs, feeling something like a newborn foal, suppressed a whimper of rejection when Jim swiftly put as much distance between them as was physically possible in their new room.

 

And it was a room, not a cell, sparsely furnished but with a far larger mattress and fur coverings, an attempt at genuine comfort and, miraculously enough, a metal tub of water large enough for bathing, the contents warm to Leonard’s cautiously dipped fingers. He hoped that it meant he would be allowed to bathe, rather than poached in an enormous pot for some sort of alien feast.

 

He snorted to himself at the thought, mind still somewhat vague, saw Jim shoot him a brief glance that was both concerned and amused as he explored the rest of the room. Still no windows, but against one stone wall there were shelves displaying, somehow, Starfleet-issued nutrient powder and bottles of mineral water. Jim threw one of those to Leonard, who managed not to fumble it before downing half. He leaned against the warmth of the tub, ignoring the psychologist part of him that told him he was seeking a substitute for human comfort, and watched Jim mix up two bottles with the powder and set them by the bed. For someone who claimed never to have been with an omega before, he seemed to know the theory well enough.

 

“What did you say to them?” Leonard asked, as far from suspicious as he could manage.

 

“Uhh- in fairly pidgin Klingon, that we have mating rituals that can be triggered by spontaneous bonding. It’s a fairly similar idea to that held in their culture, hence the- weird sex suite.”

 

“Still not your worst first date?” Leonard’s tone had gone unexpectedly soft, low and fond. He saw Jim visibly steel himself, still staring stoically at the shelves.

 

“Definitely not. I can- uhh. I’ll just keep busy over here if you wanted to- you know.” Jim gestured vaguely in the direction of the tub. God, he was sweet.

 

The water wasn’t overly warm, but it felt soothing against Leonard’s heated skin as he shed his clothing and stepped into it, sinking in up to his chest with a sigh. Jim’s shoulders shook.

 

Leonard reached for a bottle of something he presumed was at least similar to soap, testing a little on the inside of his wrist while he tried to think of what he could possibly say. “You know- you don’t have to do this. I can get through it alone. I have before. I’m sure if either of us kicked up enough of a fuss they’d keep us separated.”

 

It had been the wrong thing to say. Jim snarled and clenched his fists so hard that one of the nutrient powder packs exploded before he caught himself with a gasp. “Shit. Sorry. I didn’t mean- God, this is such a mess.”

 

Leonard didn’t think he was talking about the powder. At least, judging by Jim’s reaction, they were both finding themselves caught up a little in the moment despite their situation. Leonard honestly couldn’t imagine that anybody else would have dealt with it any better, was sort of hoping they could get through it together, that each of them could sympathize with and relate to the other once the deed was done, as it were.

 

Of course, he didn’t know how much of that desire was due to his animal nature filtering through. Jim had to be feeling the same, along with a hefty dose of that revealing alpha possessiveness resulting from the same fear of rejection that had made Leonard’s blood run cold moments before.

 

Leaning on the side of the tub, he cautiously ventured, “I was just trying to respect your choices. There’s nobody I’d rather be here with, than you.”

 

Jim laughed a little bitterly, his hands shaking as he stretched out his fingers. “You don’t even know me. I’m not- anybody’s first choice, especially not someone so-“ he cut himself off, and pointedly ignored Leonard’s questioning look.

 

“Someone so what?”

 

“You’re gonna make me say it? You’re gorgeous. Funny. Clearly smart and strong and- you’d never look twice at me if we weren’t stuck here.”

 

Leonard couldn’t believe what he was hearing. How anybody could have such a low opinion of themselves was beyond him. Jim was stunning, competent and capable. He had every excuse to be the sort of douchebag alpha who could have an omega hanging on his every word, and yet he’d been respectful even to his own detriment. He’d risked his own safety to make Leonard feel more comfortable in his environment when he could have just waited for the hormones to kick in. He’d found them a space as safe as it could get in the circumstances, had caught Leonard when he fell, had talked to him when his nature was so ready to take over and drag them both down with it.

 

“Hey, fuck you,” he said, and Jim stared at him but it was too late to go back and Leonard needed to make himself clear. “I’ve been divorced for three years and I work in a hospital, surrounded by the sorts of people who sacrifice their own time and their lives to save others. They’re decent people, with education and intelligence and time and resources, and yet none of them has ever-“ Leonard’s voice cracked, and he rolled his eyes at himself, the only saving grace the slight upwards curl at the corner of Jim’s mouth. “I haven’t been with an alpha in three years. Haven’t been with a male one since college. And I am not so deep in my heat that I’d just accept anyone. So you have no right to say that you’re not anybody’s first choice, because you’re damn well mine.”

 

Jim was smiling, although true to the sweet heart he was hiding deep down, he quickly looked away when he realized he was staring. Leonard’s heart squeezed and, suddenly with anticipation flowing through him, he cleaned himself as best he could with trembling hands. All the while Jim stared at the floor, a small smile on his face, concentration flickering only when Leonard stepped out of the water, clean and smelling sort of herby from the soap, feeling far more human than before.

 

After vaguely towelling himself off with a huge sheet that appeared to have been provided for the purpose, Leonard dismissed his then-unbearably dirty clothing and settled for wrapping the light, cottony fabric around his waist. It was only a matter of time before he’d want it all off but he wanted to make the most of his last moments of clarity. He could already feel the heat rising under his skin, the sort of shivery tingling that made every tangible sensation shoot straight to his groin. He crawled onto the low bed, then turned onto his back and spread out, savoring the first comfortable surface he’d laid on in days.

 

He might have groaned with the pleasure of it, only vaguely aware of Jim whimpering and squeezing his eyes shut in response. They were getting very close to the point of no return, and Leonard had never really had a thing for a Starfleet uniform but Jim definitely showed it to full advantage, gold shirt stretched across strong shoulders, cinched in at a slim waist that curved down to a shapely rear. He was exceptionally covered up, actually, had to be uncomfortable in the warmth of the room.

 

Clearly, Leonard would have to be the one who brought them to that final step. “Going to come join me, Alpha?”

 

Jim gasped, his hips twitching with barely contained arousal that Leonard was thrilled to be the cause of. He stretched and preened a little, knew he was seeing the last of Jim’s restraint when wide blue eyes met his.

 

“You know you can tell me to stop, anytime. And- God- if I hurt you, promise me you’ll tell me.”

 

“You won’t hurt-“

 

_“Promise me.”_

 

Leonard’s heart broke for him even as his cock twitched at the display of dominance, the command his instincts urged him to obey. He had never felt safer with an alpha in his life. “I promise. Come take care of me, Jim.”

 

What little there had been left of Leonard’s doubts evaporated with Jim’s first kiss, so cautious and caring that Leonard had to fight the urge to sob with his gratitude. His heart pounded, propelling the hormones that drove his heat through his veins with renewed vigor after so long spent suppressing them. Those previous few days, and the few years before that, Leonard had pushed his nature down, denied an intrinsic part of himself so well he’d almost forgotten about it, too. He’d certainly forgotten the spine-arching, skin-tingling pleasure of being thoroughly kissed by someone who really, really knew what they were doing.

 

Jim was soft but solid where it mattered, above Leonard but not truly over him yet, not pressing him down into the bed like Leonard wanted in order to feel protected and safe. He cradled Leonard’s face with a hand, propped up o his other elbow, still aggravatingly fully clothed, his kisses warm and wet and gentle. His tongue slid against Leonard’s, exploring rather than dominating. If Leonard had doubted Jim’s word, he would have believed it in that moment. He had the theory down pat, but no idea what an omega needed from him.

 

Fortunately, Leonard was an excellent teacher. With a little guidance, his hands on Jim’s hips and a quick twist of his body, he was the one on top, Jim surprised and gratifyingly flushed but unresistant to the shift in the balance of power.

 

“I’m not gonna beg you this time, Jim. I’m not in that deep, yet. But I am gonna need you to fuck me before we’re old. There’s giving me a chance to back out and then there’s just-“ Leonard leaned down for a kiss that was met with an enthusiastic hum- “making me wait,” he murmured against soft lips with a final lap of his tongue that make Jim’s hips shift in that telltale twitch. Leonard smiled as he sat up, straddling Jim’s waist, not bothering to hide his interest. “Take off your shirt.”

 

Jim bit his lip, seemed to be finding his confidence with Leonard’s help because he sat up as best he could. Leonard refused to move, enjoying the shifts of the slim body beneath him, Jim’s toned stomach tense and straining as he held his upper body weight, twisting to pull the uniform and undershirt over his head.

 

“Good Lord,” Leonard breathed, not entirely intentionally, as Jim slumped back down, and got to see that lovely flush travel down until a taut, defined chest was a delightful shade of pink. “Well, you were right. Wouldn’t have taken a second look at you. Wouldn’t have been able to stop staring the first time.”

 

Jim had tensed, but relaxed and laughed breathlessly at that. “Oh, you asshole. Thought omegas were supposed to be kind.”

 

Leonard didn’t have it in him to be offended. “I’m not your average omega.”

 

That, of all things, was what made Jim pounce, rolling Leonard beneath him and -finally- pressing him down into the bed, heavy and solid and barely allowing Leonard to arch his back in order to meet him. He swallowed Leonard’s heartfelt groan with a kiss and Leonard gripped his hips tight to drag him ever closer, to add more friction to the hot slide of their bodies. Leonard could hardly breathe, let himself drown in the sensations, made a wordless keening sound of loss when Jim tore himself away and stood, fighting with his boots and his pants, almost ripping them apart in his frustration.

 

Leonard watched him through lidded eyes, panting, dragging air back into his lungs, his cock hard and jutting, fighting the containment of the fabric still draped vaguely around his waist. He hadn’t been given permission to strip, but when he reached for the overlap, Jim stopped abruptly, staring, standing over him in only fitted black boxer briefs himself. He gave a soft purr of approval when Leonard pushed the fabric aside, exposing himself fully, aware he had nothing to feel ashamed of necessarily but unaccustomed to feeling so desired. It was a heady, wondrous feeling, and he reached for Jim with one outstretched hand and an entreating look.

 

Jim moved to just within his grasp, Leonard’s fingers stroking across a taut, muscular thigh, and then stretched upwards, strong arms above his head, abdominals rippling beneath pert pectorals. He was teasing.

 

“Jim.” Leonard had said he wouldn’t beg and that didn’t count, but Jim was slipping deft fingers beneath his own waistband, shifting it down just far enough to expose the defined vee leading down to the hard, thick cock that had to be uncomfortably bent sideways beneath those briefs.

 

Jim’s face was the very picture of innocence when he asked, “Yes, Omega?”

 

It was a low blow. Leonard whimpered at the reminder that he was the first, the only omega to have seen Jim so vulnerable, to have had him so close, so exposed, such a slave to his basest impulses. He felt a swell of pride, but he still wasn’t going to roll over and take it.

 

“Told you I wouldn’t beg,” he said, voice low, hand sliding down to lazily stroke his cock, arching into his own grip with only somewhat exaggerated gratification. It had been so long. He was leaking copiously, the shivery electrical pulses of long-building arousal helped along by his hormones, used his thumb to circle the sensitive head and smear the pearly fluid around, letting it slick the slide of his hand up and down, less lazy with each length. He knew what an image he must have made, squeezed on each pass of the glans, spreading his legs so he could set his feet flat and push up into the movement.

 

Jim hadn’t moved but he was panting, captivated, and that was enough encouragement for Leonard to bring his other hand up to tease at the hard peaks of his nipples, pinching and pulling until his every exhalation was a soft moan of pleasure. It was difficult for him to come from his own touch while he was so close to heat, but not impossible, and meeting Jim’s gaze, dark and feral and possessive, was all it took to send him over the edge. He came long and hard, thick spurts striping his stomach and dribbling through his fingers as he milked every last drop.

 

Jim was on him with a growl, not pressing Leonard down with his body but kneeling between his legs, taking a firm hold of Leonard’s wrist and raising it to his mouth to lick and suck the come from his fingers. Leonard had never seen anything so hot in his life, at least not until Jim, finished with his hand, dropped it to Leonard’s side and then set his tongue to Leonard’s stomach. Leonard whimpered, the muscles of his core twitching, his cock still half-hard and already attempting to swell because during his heat, every orgasm was anticlimactic, insufficient unless there was something inside of him, stretching his ass wide, preferably a hot, hard cock sliding deep. The thought made that forgotten sensation bubble up inside of him.

 

Literally and figuratively. He couldn’t hold back a whimper of distant humiliation as slick began to leak from his ass, no amount of clenching enough to hold it back, his body telling him that he should push, release more, indicate his overwhelming arousal more clearly. And all the while, Jim lapped obscenely at his oversensitive cock, soft and wet and just the right side of too much, until Leonard was squirming alternately into and away from the contact.

 

“You’re so fucking hot.” Jim rubbed his cheek against Leonard’s inner thigh, gazing up at him, more comfortable with simple affection than Leonard had expected but he wasn’t complaining, not when Jim’s next move was to probe oh-so gently at the crease of Leonard’s ass, stroking just the sensitive skin of Leonard’s opening with his knuckles before withdrawing to examine his slicked fingers, “Can I taste it?”

 

Leonard’s stomach clenched with arousal at the thought, his body releasing yet more slick in another liquid pulse. “Oh, God. If- you want.”

 

“You smell amazing. Bet you taste even better.” Jim sucked his fingers clean, eyes rolling back with his little groan of pleasure. Leonard felt overwhelmingly, impossibly flattered by the biological quirk that made them compatible, thanked the Lord for it when Jim gave him a little nudge, urging him to roll over.

 

Leonard hardly dared to dream until Jim’s tongue probed at his hole, lapping in long slow licks in between soft, experimental presses. He was so fucking gentle that Leonard wanted to scream in frustration, but he couldn’t persuade his body to obey him, instead melting bonelessly into the bed, his breath catching with small, hitching sobs of need. He relaxed, all tension leaving him, but still Jim stroked that fat ring of muscle with the tip of his tongue, kissed and suckled gently until it was puffy and swollen, every one of the tightly clustered nerve endings singing. Leonard woudn’t beg. He wouldn’t.

 

“Remember your promise,” Jim reminded him, just loud enough to be heard, and Leonard only had a moment to consider that he had never been further from pain when Jim pushed two fingers inside of him.

 

Leonard almost screamed with the sudden, unblurred rightness of it, realised his error quickly when Jim withdrew. “No, God, that’s a good sound, if you stop I’ll fucking kill you.”

 

Jim laughed, low and soft, twisted his fingers as he pushed them back in, harder than before. “I cannot wait to make you beg.”

 

“Won’t be long, at the rate you’re going,” Leonard pushed back, driving onto Jim’s fingers, his ass clutching tight in a desperate attempt to stay so perfectly filled. He whined when Jim pulled out, only to sigh with relief when three fingers pressed back in, forcing him wider. Not nearly as wide as Jim’s cock, with a thick knot at its base would be. God, Leonard wanted that so badly. Saying that wasn’t begging, was it?

 

He felt the warm huff of Jim’s laugh more than he heard it. “Oh, you’ll get it. This first time, I’m opening you up slowly and gently. But as soon as you say please I’ll fuck you so hard you forget your own name.”

 

It took everything Leonard had not to give in there and then. Instead he whined and shivered with arousal, and rolled his hips back, revelling in the friction of the soft sheets against his cock. He only managed it twice before Jim pulled out and hauled Leonard’s ass up by his hips, forcing him into presenting on his knees, thighs spread wide, all of his most vulnerable parts on display. Leonard’s cock hardened still further, his balls hanging heavy, the slick dripping from his ass cooling when exposed to the air. He couldn’t quite clench his hole entirely, just had to let it leak, the humiliation of it only arousing him more as Jim watched the ring of muscle fluttering weakly.

 

The first blunt press of Jim’s cock made Leonard whimper, and if Jim had made him wait an instant longer he would have been there, begging and pleading and offering whatever he wanted. But Jim was merciful, and good, sliding into him with a long, slow press and a breathy exhalation of his own pleasure, “You feel so good.”

 

The praise warmed Leonard from the inside, helped him find the strength to push back, encouraging more, drawing a fond chuckle from Jim.

 

“You want it bad, huh?”

 

Leonard growled, bit out, “Not it. You.”

 

Jim’s hips stuttered, and he leaned over to press the expanse of his glorious chest along Leonard’s back to nose at his hairline and whisper in his ear, as though he couldn’t stand to say it any louder. “You mean it?”

 

“You think I spread my legs for everyone who wants a go, sweetheart? You’re my first new alpha in ten years.” Leonard bit out, because Jim was still shifting his hips, just shallowly thrusting in and out, and the friction felt fantastic. With some effort, he recalled Jim’s earlier words, because it was important, and he wasn’t ready to lose himself to the slow drag of pleasure, “I chose you.”

 

The sound Jim let out then was suspiciously like a sob, and he wrapped an arm tightly around Leonard’s chest before driving into him again, harder and faster and perfect.

 

 _“Yes.”_ Leonard had learned his lesson about responsible to Jim’s actions with ambiguous sounds, wanted to leave no doubt about his sentiments.

 

“That’s it, baby, I got you.” Jim’s blanketing warmth left Leonard’s back, but he didn’t have long to feel the loss. Jim drove into him with long, firm strokes, experimenting with angles, speed and pressure until Leonard, no stranger to human anatomy, arched his back that tiny bit further, spread his legs a little more and gave a deep, shuddering groan.

 

“That’s it, right there, God, don’t stop, Jim.”

 

Jim was kind, and benevolent, and skilled, and he did as he was told. Leonard had never met an alpha anything like him. He was pushing back into Jim’s established rhythm, rolling his hips to get that perfect grind and rub against his prostate, not as fully swollen as it would be in the depths of his heat but stil gloriously sensitive, still driving him closer to the edge. Jim’s hands were on Leonard’s hips, guiding him but not forcing, exactly what Leonard needed and dear God, that voice.

 

“That’s it, yes, take what you need, get yourself off on my cock, so fucking hot I can’t stand it. Can you come like this?”

 

Leonard whined. He had thought, maybe, but- “Not yet. Tomorrow, want you to hold me down and make me.”

 

“Oh, just try and stop me. Gonna have you every way I can until you’re begging me to stop, until you feel like you can’t breathe without my cock inside of you, til this pretty pink hole is swollen and leaking and I can lick up my come as it drips down your thighs-“

 

Oh. _Oh._ Leonard was coming without a hand on his cock, with the echoes of those words in his head, grinding his ass back against Jim, taking his cock deep, just teasing at the stretch around the knot at the base while sparks exploded behind his eyes and his limbs shook.

 

“Oh, don’t tempt me.” Jim’s hands were soothing, his fingers dancing affectionate caresses across Leonard’s back, his voice and his touch sending shivers down Leonard’s spine and right to the clutching, pulsing vice of his hole. “So good for me. So beautiful. You take a little more for me, Omega? Gonna let me fill you up?”

 

Astonishingly, after he had just made Leonard come harder than he thought he ever had in his life, it was still a question. And as much as Leonard wanted to melt into the bed and sleep, safe and protected, he wanted that more. “Want you to come in me.”

 

It still felt so good when Jim continued to thrust, pleasure sparking from where they were joined, sending occasional aftershocks shivering through him. Jim could have forced his knot in; Leonard would have taken it, his sense of pain dulled by endorphins and hormones, but he kept his thrusts short and quick. It couldn’t have been easy to resist that temptation, his biology attempting to take over for the first time it had been given such free reign.

 

Jim wrapped his fingers around his knot and buried as deep as that allowed when he came with a series of soft gasps that sounded reverent, disbelieving and awed. He leaned over and pressed a kiss to the back of Leonard’s neck, too, breathed, “Thank you,” and eased out slowly, carefully. He laid down where Leonard could see him, facing him, reached out with both hands to cradle his jaw while Lenard blinked sleepily at him. He asked, “You alright?” And seemed to genuinely expect and want an answer.

 

“I feel good,” Leonard managed to murmur, because they were still held captive by aliens who were possibly going to kill them, but in that moment he felt like he couldn’t have wished for anything more.

 

_“I need you to drink a nutrient shake before you nap.”_

 

Jim had used an edge of his authoritative alpha tone, and it made Leonard’s eyes widen as his body compelled him to obey. Jim stared at him as though he had done something amazing, of course would never have seen the impact he could have before, if he avoided keeping company with omegas, and Leonard’s response to his earlier remark in the heat of the moment must have escaped his notice. He stroked his thumbs along Leonard’s cheekbones when he asked, “You want chocolate or strawberry?”

 

“Strawberry. Please.”

 

The bottle was handed to Leonard with a flourish that made him roll his eyes. Jim watched his throat as he tilted his head back to drink, eyes more dark than feral, like he was feeling the urge to claim but could be satisfied with watching.

 

He licked the taste of strawberry from Leonard’s mouth when he was done, then held him close against his chest. Leonard knew it was no accident that Jim could see the door, view uninterrupted from their position, felt as though he might be able to sleep for the first time in days, safe and protected.

 

~

 

Leonard had no idea how much time had passed by the time he awoke, the room just as bright as it had always been, making him blink irritably a few times before he managed to recall where he was. Who he was with. What they had done. God, he was sticky. And slick. And -fuck- open and wanting and so warm. He whimpered, heard and felt it answered with a growl that reverberated through the chest he was pressed up against. Strangely, although he didn’t have much higher brain function left to consider it, he felt safe, unthreatened. Even- excited.

 

“Tell me I can have you. Please.” Jim was shaking, his cock suddenly noticeably hard and eager against Leonard’s belly, the thick knot of it hotter than the rest. He must have been holding himself back for some time, and for a moment Leonard couldn’t comprehend why. He was ready, stretched open and loose and slick, it would have been so easy for Jim to just sink into him and take.

 

Unable to form all or indeed any of those words, Leonard just whimpered an agreement that sounded vaguely like a yes -his alpha was unbearably sweet, he remembered, liked to hear that confirmation from him- and rolled over to his other side, pressing his back to Jim’s chest, shivering as Jim nuzzled at his throat, inhaling the scent of him and the pheromones that accompanied it before he hooked a hand under Leonard’s knee to raise it up and begin to fumble at aiming his cock. His hips rolling relentlessly -how long had he been waiting? So damn sweet- Jim probed and slid the head of his cock through the slick heat of Leonard’s crease, just catching on the edge of his rim. It was a wondrous, terrible torture, Leonard pushing back in an attempt to help but only dislodging him further.

 

Leonard mewled out his frustration and Jim made a pleased, rumbling sound in his ear.

 

“Needy omega. Want me to knot you, sweetheart? This how you want it?”

 

“Want- please.”

 

“Perfect,” Jim purred, the pressed his cock inside of Leonard with such confidence and precision that Leonard realised he’d been fooled only an instant before he stopped caring. There was nothing, nothing but the hot, pulsing slide of Jim’s cock in him, effortlessly forcing Leonard wide around it, the strong definition of his chest against Leonard’s back, the teeth and tongue toying with the lobe of his ear in between Jim’s hushed words. “Never felt like this. Remember what I said? About not being able to breathe without my cock in you? I’ve never wanted anybody so much. You slept and I would have killed anybody who came through that door, anybody who even thought about touching you. It’s terrifying.”

 

Leonard had only the vaguest idea of what was being said, beyond the awareness that it made his omega instincts sing, punctuated as the words were by the continued rolling of Jim’s hips sliding his cock deeper every time, grazing the heat-swollen, sensitive gland of his prostate with every stroke.

 

He let out a shrill, unidentifiable sound when he felt the stretch of Jim’s knot at his rim, inexorably pressing while Jim panted desperately into the back of his neck, damp and hot. “Please don’t tell me to stop.”

 

No, no, no, that was the last thing Leonard wanted. He needed that knot, needed to be stretched open and pumped full and bred, but it would hurt, just for a moment before the glorious fullness, the feeling of everything being right, of truly being at home in his body. And he had promised.

 

“Don’t stop. Keep- you have to force it. It’ll hurt but please knot me, I need it.”

 

“I can’t hurt you.” Jim trembled, voice thick, his thrusts losing rhythm and purpose and Leonard growled. He was so fucking close.

 

“Life hurts, Jim. You keep trying to protect me and I’ll be the one you need to worry about. Fuck me, like our bodies were made to do, or so help me I will take what I need.”

 

It was a pretty awful threat, all things considered, but Leonard had always had a mouth on him and overwhelming sexual desperation combined with the pheromones of his alpha’s distress were making him irritable.

 

“You’re sure?”

 

“Damnit Jim, I- oh, God, just a little more, please, that’s it, I need-“ Leonard’s voice cracked because it was happening, he was stretched impossibly wide and he let out a silent scream as the broadest part was shoved brutally past his rim before settling into place, his whole body convulsing with something like pain but closer to an all-consuming completion. “Oh, yes, thank you-“

 

Jim whined, cutting off repeated, whispered apologies to grip Leonard’s hips and manhandle him back against him, grinding forward arrhythmically until he came with a breathless curse, pulsing hot and thick and so, so much. Leonard had forgotten how intense it was. How full he felt, how he could get drunk off the sensation of liquid flooding his insides. He was coming, but not, himself, that bone-deep sensation of having his prostate milked, his own cock spurting seemingly endlessly without softening, without fully relieving the pressure that had been building for longer than he could remember. And all the while, Jim ground helplessly into him, massaging his knot with the clutch of Leonard’s rim, unintentionally but undeniably prolonging Leonard’s release until he was spent and shaking.

 

Vaguely, he was aware that Jim had to be feeling it even more intensely, and that he should have been making some effort to care for him. God, they were a fucked up pair.

 

He laughed a little at the thought, which made Jim clutch him tight and gasp. “Don’t laugh, please. This is fucking insane, how do people do this? We’re stuck together. I can feel your heartbeat. How is this not hurting you?”

 

With moderate difficulty, Leonard twisted his aching body enough that he could draw Jim into a gentle kiss over his shoulder, raising a hand to brush his fingers through Jim’s hair. “It’s just biology,” he murmured against soft lips between panicked kisses that calmed a little as he did his best to project a soothing sensation. “We’re designed to work this way. And when there’s a little pain while I’m being fucked- it heightens everything, releases endorphins, and it’s even better during my heat. I love it. Don’t you?”

 

“This is a dream, right? Or a simulation or something? I never- this isn’t-“ Jim gave up on words to kiss Leonard again, and was welcomed even as Leonard felt the first twinges of the emotions he was bleeding, unintentionally, into the atmosphere around them, a combination of satisfaction and despair explained by the whisper, barely audible, against his lips, “I don’t deserve you.”

 

Leonard wanted to hold him tight, but at that moment rather decidedly couldn’t, did his best with the caress of his fingers across Jim’s cheek, the touch of his lips in gentle kisses he couldn’t help but lose himself in. The only words he could come up with, in an attempt to soothe, were, “That’s not up to you. I’m still choosing you. You’re pretty cute. For an alpha.”

 

He felt Jim smile, at least. “And you’re pretty mouthy, for an omega.”

 

“So shut me up.”

 

“Never said I didn’t like it.”

 

Leonard clenched the muscles of his ass tight, just to be difficult. Jim groaned, panted for a moment before he ventured, surprisingly cautiously for someone who was literally inside of Leonard, “Speaking of- liking. You’re, uhh, outrageously hot and I was wondering- it’s okay if not, but- while we’re kind of a little more in touch with our sanity than we maybe will be by the time our next, uhh- round- comes around, I just thought-“

 

“Any chance of you actually asking before your knot goes down?” Leonard asked, looking over his shoulder to give Jim a smile to lessen the impact of his words, but catching him flushing and looking away, improbably embarrassed. So cute. “Out with it, come on.”

 

Jim pushed out the words as quickly as possible, a little breathless. “You’ll wanna go again soon, right? Could I be facing you?”

 

If he hadn’t known that it was a physical impossibility, Leonard was sure he would have thought his heart was melting, so intense was the emotion he felt at that moment. He took pity on his adorable marshmallow of an alpha. “I’d like that.”

 

Jim whimpered with his forehead pressed between Leonard’s shoulder blades, and reached around to flatten his palm over Leonard’s sternum. Over his traitorous melting, pounding heart. “Thank you.”

 

~

 

Despite everything he knew about Jim, Leonard had thought that maybe he was just one of those alphas who got off on seeing an omega fall apart beneath him. God knew he hadn’t expected to be right, in a way, to be held close, Jim’s fingers tangled in his hair, to feel lips at his throat that were soft and gentle, never biting, to be kissed like Jim was drowning and Leonard his sole source of oxygen. It was deep, and heady, and visceral, made Leonard feel Jim everywhere, in every part of him, inside and out and impossible to deny.

 

One or all of those parts knew that Leonard would never, ever feel like that again, with anybody else. It was part of the same uncontrollable instinct that made him spread his legs wide in an attempt to take Jim’s cock deeper, to arch his back and bare his throat in an offer and a plea to a man he should have known was hardly more than a stranger.

 

Jim growled, long and low, leaned down to nose at the swollen, sensitive bonding gland at the junction of Leonard’s neck and shoulder. He should have been feral, addled by heat-hormones and unable to hold himself back, incapable of thinking with anything resembling sense with his heart pounding, his knot swelling, the air thick with their combined breath and scent and pheromones with every impulse screaming at him to bond, to take and own and possess.

 

Still, although he sounded like it physically hurt him to do it, between panting and long, sharp thrusts of his cock into Leonard’s ass that were about to force his knot past the little resistance Leonard’s body had left, Jim said, “You sure?”

 

Jim had never done anything like that before. He was trusting Leonard to know that what they had was something beyond the ordinary rather than just an expression of their most latent biological urges.

 

There was nothing coming to Leonard’s mind to describe it, no words that could form a meaningful explanation, only feelings that bled out while he was unable to maintain his guard. “It’s never been like this. Don’t want to let you go.”

 

Was it taking advantage?- he should have thought. Jim had never heard those words before, was young and gorgeous and had everything a reasonable human being would want in a partner. He also had commitment issues, and had so far avoided even the suggestion of a meaningful, serious relationship.

 

Leonard was more trouble than he was worth, anyway, he had time to think as Jim slowed, probably thinking of the best way to decline his offer, to repay his display of vulnerability with rejection. He should have known he would be able to understand the logic in the decision later but at that moment could only feel a deep, heart-wrenching loss, lowered his chin with an involuntary whimper.

 

The sound, the opportunity lost was what seemed to spur Jim into action, his fist clenching in Leonard’s hair and yanking back so Leonard could barely move, writhing his hips down towards Jim’s to encourage the push, the pain that marked the press of his knot inside Leonard, huge and agonizing and making sparks explode in Leonard’s vision. He came as Jim bit down, not hard enough at first but perfect once Leonard arched into his teeth, a sound he didn’t recognise escaping his throat as Jim went that bit deeper, that tiny impossible distance further inside of him and snarled out his own climax until Leonard was keening softly, not in pain as such but overwhelmed, shaking and dizzy.

 

“Holy shit,” Jim breathed as he pulled back, examining the mark he had left with watery, beautiful eyes, his teeth stained with Leonard’s blood and omega fluid. He leaned down to lick at the mess he had made, moaned at the taste, or the feeling, pressed a kiss beneath Leonard’s ear.

 

And Leonard had been warned before but he couldn’t help it; he laughed. It made Jim groan and thrust his hips abortively before he clutched Leonard close and pressed their foreheads together before murmuring a not entirely voluntary, “Mine.”

 

Leonard snorted, making Jim whine with the resulting pulse in his diaphragm, shook his head but softened it with a kiss when Jim’s expression creased, then corrected, _“Mine.”_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're reading on from chapter 1, this chapter encompasses the events of both Star Trek and Into Darkness, so check the updated tags if you're concerned.

Bizarrely, the first time Leonard began to have doubts about that decision, Jim was nowhere to be seen.

 

Leonard would have had far more doubts had he actually known where Jim was, but as he seemed to have abruptly inherited the responsibility of managing a Starship med-bay in the midst of a crisis, he hadn’t been left with too much time to wonder. Feeling only vaguely guilty about it, he had swiped one of the blue shirts from the locker of the former CMO -God rest his soul- and made it through a good few hours before anybody even thought to question his credentials.

 

He was grateful for the rescue, he really was, but the so-called command structure of Starfleet was deeply baffling at best. Having been beamed up alongside Leonard and numerous other neglected prisoners with hardly a word of welcome or thanks, Jim had disappeared off to the bridge after only a cursory medical examination and nothing even resembling a debrief. The next Leonard heard of him, he'd been parachuted down onto Vulcan, of all the God-forsaken places, to perform some sort of civil engineering sabotage. And then Leonard had a med-bay full of his fellow former prisoners -those who had survived the hull breach, anyway- and traumatised, grieving Vulcans.

 

It was hard work just being around them.

 

Turned out, things weren't any easier on the bridge. Command seemed to change hands at the whims of a frankly terrifyingly green crew. The ship's navigator was seventeen! He had actually presented as omega while he was at Starfleet Academy, Leonard established once Jim had been marooned, shortly un-marooned with a mad Scotsman in tow and then nearly straight-up murdered by some wannabe alien overlord.

 

"You're fucking insane," Leonard told Jim, after he had literally dragged him out of the captain's chair by the collar of his stupid gold shirt and taken him off to med-bay for a check-up.

 

Captain Pike, who had so far been the only person to look Leonard in the eye and ask who the fuck he was despite the level of his injuries, was recovering in a biobed nearby, and after approximately eight times more fidgeting than Leonard could tolerate, he let Jim perch on a bed where he could see him.

 

When he'd stared his fill at his captain, Jim turned to Leonard, his expression brightening with something like wonder. "You're still here. Safe."

 

"Funny how that happens, when you stay away from murderous, psychopathic alien warlords and avoid getting into fistfights with your First Officer."

 

Jim somehow managed to look both sheepish and wholly unrepentant.

 

Leonard rolled his eyes.

 

Jim put his hand over Leonard's tricorder and, when Leonard looked up to glare at him, kissed him instead. He was real, and warm, and he made Leonard feel like he could never regret anything that brought them to that moment.

 

One of the nurses made a sort of high-pitched squeaking sound and dropped her hypospray.

 

"Clear that up before somebody hurts themselves," Leonard barked, then tangled his fingers in Jim's hair to bring him in for another, proper kiss.

 

"'M glad you're alive." Jim said, when they separated.

 

Leonard smiled. He got the impression that was as close to a declaration of love as he was likely to get for some time. "Me too, darlin'."

 

 

-

 

 

"Will Starfleet let a bonded pair serve on the same ship?" Leonard asked, later, when they had been deposited at the eerily empty Starfleet Academy dorms, close to where various members of an unseen admiralty were making plans for their decimated fleet. He'd been issued his own room, because apparently saving the life of a Captain when the fleet had lost too many to count earned him significant goodwill, if not any actual pay. Neither he nor Jim had felt up to being alone after limping the Enterprise back to Earth without a functional warp engine, though.

 

"Do I honestly seem like the sort of officer who can tell you what the regs are?" Jim was sprawled on his back on Leonard's bed, dressed only in a pair of sweatpants and willing to move only as far as was necessary to sip at the measure of bourbon Leonard had poured him.

 

"You seem like the type of officer who finds loopholes where nobody else thinks to look." Leonard took a sip of his own drink, intentionally didn't meet the beautiful eyes that flashed at him from across the room. He was on the couch in an attempt to avoid such distraction while he filled out his official Starfleet application forms.

 

He had taken less persuading than even he had expected. Running that med-bay, he had felt more like himself than he had in years. And even injured, Captain Pike was charismatic and convincing and inspiring.

 

Jim had positively mauled him when Leonard had returned from that meeting, closer to feral and more possessive than Leonard had seen him. They hadn't announced the extent of their relationship by a sort of mutual, unspoken agreement, so for all anybody who read Leonard's file knew, he was an unbonded omega. Jim's mark had been bitten low enough to be covered by Leonard's shirt, and he had run a regen over the worst of the redness to avoid attractive suspicion from any of his new and unfamiliar colleagues. Who only knew how they would have reacted had they known the circumstances of Leonard's bonding, no matter how well it seemed to be working for them.

 

"They can serve on the same ship. Just not in Command roles or as a Head of Department."

 

Well that decided that, then. With a sigh, Leonard checked the _unbonded_ box on the form. It made him actively a liar rather than passively one.

 

"They can still fuck though, right?" he asked, faux-casually.

 

Jim slipped off the bed and prowled towards him.

 

Leonard was bored with paperwork, anyway.

 

 

-

 

 

"So when did you two, you know, tie the knot, as it were?" Scotty asked one night while he and Leonard were lounged, relaxing, in Engineering with a bottle of something that claimed to be Scotch. Leonard suspected Scotty had been refilling bottles.

 

"I don't know what you mean."

 

It was a well-practiced, often-repeated response. Leonard and Jim had been together for long enough that people had started looking vaguely unconvinced by it, but thanks to his evasion and Jim's reputation, nobody had openly challenged it yet. Most of the command crew seemed to have resolved not to ask, possibly in an attempt to maintain their plausible deniability when it inevitably went wrong.

 

"Oh fuck off, Len. Who do you think you're talking to, here?"

 

Leonard sighed. "Fine. The day we met."

 

He got his wish; Scotty spat out his mouthful of booze over the table where they had been vaguely playing cards. Implausibly far away, a soldering iron sparked dangerously and Scotty lunged to unplug it, dropping back into his seat with a huff.

 

"You're telling me that you met that maniac when your heat was at least underway and he claimed you? That same day?"

 

"No, Scotty." Leonard did his best to rein in his temper, that ingrained part of him still objecting to the phrasing, no matter how innocently meant. "I'm saying that I have met plenty of alphas, but not a single one was anything like Jim. And if anybody did any claiming, it was me."

 

Scotty, who was beta and more than satisfied with that fact, screwed up his face in confusion. "Where did you meet?"

 

Well, that wasn't going to help the case Leonard was trying to make. "I have no idea. Some- alien planet. They'd kidnapped me. I was off my suppressants for the first time in years and Jim- attempted a rescue. He failed, at first. We were locked in a cell together for- three days, maybe?"

 

"So what you're saying is your life is basically a fairy tale?"

 

"I removed nine octopi from the rectal cavities of crew members last week."

 

"I'm aware. I was one of them. Thought we were never going to talk about that again."

 

Leonard shrugged. "You wanted to hear about what goes up my ass. Only fair."

 

"Yikes. If Jim's- well- feels anything like that I think you're madder than ever." Scotty sighed, stared into his drink as he swirled it thoughtfully for a moment. "The two of you just work. How do you do it? Can't just be luck."

 

"If I had an answer for that-" Leonard raised his glass in a toast- "I'd be rich and sitting pretty on my own private desert island."

 

"Oh, Len. Even your endless charm couldn't tear Jim away from his precious ship."

 

Leonard drank to hide the way his smile faltered.

 

 

-

 

 

 

It was a night, or as close to a night as one ever got in space, like the many, many before it, the Enterprise on a mission to scan the meteors, meteorites and debris orbiting a planet Leonard had already forgotten the name of. He was in his office, squinting at his padd -damnit, he had forgotten to order saline, how had he missed that?- when warm arms encircled his waist, Jim's body pressed against his back. Their bond was strong enough that Leonard had known it was him before they even touched, and he relaxed back into the hold that would have been so unwelcome from anybody else.

 

"Bored, Captain?" he asked with a smile.

 

Jim kissed his neck, nuzzled the scarring where the mark of their bond had first been formed. He was still so damn affectionate, the moment they were out of public view. Leonard adored him.

 

"I just missed you," Jim rumbled, his breath hot, his tongue leaving cool trails behind. His hold tightened fractionally around Leonard's waist, pressing as much of their bodies together as much as he could manage. "That nurse we picked up at the 'base giving you any trouble?"

 

Leonard rolled his eyes with the deepest affection. Jim had hated that woman ever since she had arrived on board, claimed she was eyeing Leonard for her own, had been slightly aggressively cuddly ever since. "No trouble. I can handle her."

 

"That's what I'm worried about," Jim grumbled into his skin, scraping lightly with his teeth.

 

Leonard shivered. "I meant metaphorically. I'm yours, Jim. As much as the day we met. Not going anywhere. You're my whole universe."

 

He felt Jim smile at the familiar reassurance and glowed a little with pride. "And you're my lodestone, keeping me grounded. I love you, Bones." 

 

Warmth suffused Leonard at the words. He had never heard them, not from Jim, but of course he had known. It just meant that Jim had moved on from his own issues enough to say it. So Leonard's first words in reply were, "I'm so proud of you, sweetheart," as he twisted to draw Jim into a long, slow kiss he wouldn't usually have allowed, let alone initiated, in his office.

 

Slowly, Jim's heart rate returned to something resembling normal, creeping down from his state of panic. He let out a final, shaky sigh against Leonard's lips and relaxed into his hold. "Report to the Captain's quarters after your shift, Doctor. I'd like to discuss some, uhh- disciplinary matters."

 

Somehow, Leonard managed to roll his eyes, with his best impression of a demure crewmember starstruck by his captain. That was to say, not a very good impression. "Yes, Captain. Would you like me to- wear my uniform?"

 

"If you must." Jim sighed, as though Leonard's clothing was an obstacle for him to overcome.

 

They smiled dumbly at one another, and then kissed, and then Jim's comm dinged. They both groaned and Leonard growled, long and low when he saw it was Spock calling. Damned hobgoblin was always getting in the way.

 

"I'm off-duty, Spock." Jim responded, suitably impatient, wrapping a hand around the back of Leonard's neck to soothe him. It almost worked.

 

"I believe you will want to see this, Captain. I have the results of a very informative scan. Are you familiar with the planet Nibiru?"

 

Jim and Leonard exchanged blank looks. "It can wait."

 

"Captain- our intervention may save a huge number of innocent lives."

 

Leonard's heart shouldn't have sunk with those words.

 

It really shouldn't.

 

But  it did. How could he compete with that? How dare he even want to? Jim was looking at him with huge, guilty eyes and he was so damn beautiful. Leonard kissed him, long and deep and wet, with the sort of grinding, rolling indecency they so rarely got a chance for, feeling a little petty and a lot possessive.

 

The moment he felt Jim's attention wane, he stopped, couldn't face that sort of rejection. "I love you, sweetheart," he murmured, and received a brief smile, Jim's mind already at least partly elsewhere.

 

"I'll take you with me if we go planetside. Let you get some fresh air."

 

"You just want aliens to lock us in a room together and make us fuck."

 

"You've been reading my dream journal." Jim's lips twitched, then he hesitated, leaning in for a final, soft kiss. "Forgive me?"

 

"Come back to me?"

 

"Always. I'll see you a little later."

 

Leonard resisted the urge to reach for his hand for a last caress, and let him go.

 

 

-

 

 

Jim didn’t come back.

 

He _died_.

 

Leonard _felt_ it, could only describe the sensation as an elastic band snapping deep inside his chest. He nearly screamed, or passed out, or threw up, because it was like a wormhole had opened deep within him, and it threatened to consume everything he was.

 

But Ensign Reynolds was pale and shaking with the pain of an open fracture dangerously close to her femoral artery. Their whole med-bay had been turned fully upside down and anyone who could still walk -including Yeoman Lax'an who had at least a moderate concussion- had been put to work attempting to get their equipment back in order. He couldn't afford to give in, could never forgive himself if he ever let anything happen to their -fuck, no, _his_ \- crew because he couldn't contain his damned emotions. He had fought so hard not to let his gender define him and that ingrained, stubborn part of him made it possible to carry on.

 

Scotty wouldn't meet his eyes. Spock wouldn't even enter med-bay. He didn't understand the precise motivations behind any secondary gender, having none himself, so he probably wouldn't have known how badly Leonard wanted to stab him with a scalpel, but it was probably for the best all the same.

 

It also meant Leonard didn't have to pretend he didn't know who was in the bag. He had thought he was ready, that he was already so certain of the fact that seeing it couldn't make a difference.

 

But seeing his beautiful, vibrant Jim so lifeless made something rise inside him.

 

He had never been an ideal omega. And he thought, sometimes, that the resonance of his bond with Jim had gifted him with some traits, some aspects of being alpha like something of Jim's had been left behind, even though he was gone. He liked to think that was what allowed him to stay standing, even though he had lost his entire universe.  There was something to take up just a little of the gaping hole his loss had left, to bolster the edges of the chasm where his heart had been. Like there were a few smouldering embers even after his fire had been doused with a deluge of water.

 

The urge to brush Jim's hair from his forehead was still there, but Leonard was trying to tell himself to hold back, that his skin would feel cold and waxy and unreal and that would be a feeling he'd never forget for the rest of his twilit life.

 

Then that tribble trilled, and Leonard's entire being surged into life with a ferocity that made Scotty, even clouded and vague as he was, take a step back in alarm.

 

Omegas weren't fighters, apparently, but they were damned fine protectors.

 

Leonard was already barking orders that all in range hastened to obey. He was going to protect Jim from death and he was going to do it with everything he had.

 

And then he was going to leave him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're wondering what happened to those mean aliens who kidnapped the boys, thus triggering this whole sequences of events… someone else from Starfleet went back to have some stern words with them later.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you read chapters 1 and 2 previously, tags have changed and they now contain a rather large spoiler for this chapter. Still no archive warnings, though.

Jim awoke with a vague sense of confusion -he was dead, wasn’t he? He felt certain he hadn’t expected to wake up- and a bigger, more critical void that told him he was missing some integral part of himself, like a limb or an organ or-

 

“Bones,” he breathed, before he’d even opened his eyes. He knew he was in med-bay, could see the brightness even through his eyelids, hear the quickening beep of the biobed, smell the disinfectant.

 

“I’m here, Jim,” came the familiar deep, rumbling cadence, a little strained but familiar and gorgeous and _his_ -

 

The searing pain as Jim’s eyes flew open was nothing, entirely irrelevant when- “I can’t feel- why can’t I feel it, why can’t I feel our bond?”

 

He didn’t care who was listening, or who wasn’t supposed to know. There was something so completely wrong, like he’d forgotten something but a thousand times worse, because what could possibly have happened that he’d forget to love Bones, his most important thing, the only one who wanted him and trusted him and gave him a reason to be the person everybody else expected him to be.

 

Jim felt weak and shaky, but he’d felt worse, and he shoved the blanket back to sit up, only for a big, strong hand on his chest to push him back down. He saw it, of course, Bones reaching for him, regarding him with resigned red-rimmed eyes -God, Jim must really have done something terrible if Bones had been crying- his skin so close to Jim’s through the thin hospital gown that Jim could feel his warmth like it was searing.

 

But they had a bond. Bones touching him should have felt euphoric, like completion, like all the cracks within him could be mended. Instead it might as well have been the touch of a stranger.

 

“Bones-“ Jim’s voice cracked, shrill and fragile like he felt around only one person. He couldn’t sit still. His eyes stung.

 

“Stop, Jim.” Bones pressed a little harder, the faintest warning that would have had Jim lashing out violently had it been anyone else. There was no arguing with him, Jim knew, just delaying the inevitable words that had to escape, that his perfect, deeply emotional Bones had to get off his chest. He looked exhausted, and worn. How long had Jim been unconscious, anyway? To have erased all traces of easy affection, of the love and lust and longing they shared during long days and too-short nights and the rare, blissful heat when there was nothing in the universe that mattered but them.

 

Bones didn’t let him ask any of his many questions, just met his gaze and spoke with a gravity that meant Jim couldn’t help but listen. “The bond is broken. I felt it snap, deep in my chest, and you weren’t there to tell me everything was going to be okay, that we could just- do it again. So I’m not going to tell you any of that, either. I need you to understand how I felt, what I lost in that moment when- you died. What we all lost. You’ll be in here for a week or so, getting your strength back, and then you’ll be allowed to return to- your quarters.”

 

Those quarters hadn’t been Jim’s since the day Bones had arrived on board. They had always been theirs. And Jim knew that when he did return, he would find it devoid of every single reminder of what they had shared. The realization hurt worse than dying.

 

“Bones, no-” he tried to say, but he was remembering more with every moment, how he had made that climb with only a single goal in mind, everything else falling aside. Nobody could have been allowed to attempt that task but him, to doom themselves to death so that others could live, Bones among them. Jim wanted to say that it had been selfless, wanted to argue even as Bones went on to monotone his way through meaningless platitudes about what couldn’t possibly matter.

 

“You’ve been recovering well. You’re probably healthier than you’ve ever been. You don’t need me here.”

 

“I did it to save you-“

 

“ _Don’t._ ” Bones’ snarl made the edges of Jim’s universe close in, focused to that one point, and he watched the one he loved with the awful knowledge that he could never forget that moment. “Don’t you fucking dare. You have no right. I won’t do it again, won’t be with someone who forgets me when it’s convenient for them. It could have been anyone you sent-“

 

“I couldn’t order that-“

 

“Then maybe you shouldn’t be the fucking captain.” Bones was awesome, shining bright, so beautiful Jim could hardly stand it. In that instant, he had no idea why he’d done what he did. Maybe Bones was right. He wasn’t fit. He had hurt his bondmate, gone against the one thing he had sworn to place before everything else. He was a terrible alpha, and a worse captain, to have Bones looking at him like that.

 

“Goodbye, Jim.”

 

Oh. Jim watched Bones walk away, for the first time in their shared lives not turning back to shoot him a quick smile or a fond eye-roll on his way out. For the first time, having to watch him because Jim couldn’t just sense where he was.

 

His whole life, he had felt like something was missing. He hadn’t realized that feeling had gone away, until it came back.

 

-

 

He passed through the following week in a daze, barely acknowledging the various doctors and nurses who checked on him at regular intervals, just allowing them to do their work. Spock was handling the running of the ship, and Jim had been willing to leave that responsibility to him permanently, so he felt no remorse for taking that time to himself.

 

Bones never came. From what Jim could gather, he wasn’t working in med-bay at all, had barely been seen outside of his quarters since leaving Jim’s side.

 

His quarters. It almost sounded like a joke; he hadn’t used them once since arriving on the shop, except to store uniform. He’d always slept with Jim, ever since he had arrived on that day long ago, flushed with satisfaction from the blissful shared heat that had so changed the course of both their lives.

 

Bones had all-but sneaked on board, desperately trying to avoid the attentions of Captain Pike, who had been likely to see through their transparent lies in a moment and call them both on their concealed bond, so unconventionally wrought. Jim had been unspeakably proud of Bones, as a person and as his omega, when he had taken over the running of med-bay without a qualm. Their relationship had even survived Jim’s outrageous antics those few days, although Jim had spared him the worst of the details and he had never undertaken any actions he was certain would result in his death.

 

Yeah, that was probably where he crossed the line.

 

Jim didn’t know if it made it better or worse that he could understand Bones’ point of view.

 

He had plenty of time to think about it, curled on his side, facing away from the rest of the room, barely listening to any attempts at meaningful interaction. He didn’t fight the check-ups, didn’t make any attempts to escape early. He had heard, in parts, what Bones had been forced to do in order to save him, and the least he could do was honor his efforts. What else did he have to go back to, after all, but an empty room, cold and alone, devoid of the one who had given Jim’s life meaning beyond searching for the next adrenaline rush.

 

God, he loved Bones. Missed him so much, would have given anything to hold his hand, to see his face, to talk about something that didn’t even matter, just for the sake of it.

 

They had spent so much time that way, every available moment just taking the opportunity to get to know one another better. It had never felt like effort, just the part of every day that Jim looked forward to most. Bones never flinched away when Jim revealed another aspect of himself. He always looked at Jim like he couldn’t bear to look away, like- well. Like he was worried Jim would be gone if he dared to blink.

 

He always touched Jim with an awed reverence, so rarely in public but almost constantly when they were in private, a touch of his fingers or tangling of their legs or sweet, gentle kisses, apparently just because he could. He had treasured Jim so honestly, so carefully and perfectly and he had promised always or, more accurately, until death.

 

Well, Jim had brought that forward far more than either of them could ever have anticipated.

 

He had fucked things up so badly.

 

He had been so lucky, and he had doubted from that first moment that he could ever deserve someone so vibrant and vivid and loving, so he had proved himself right.

 

It was Jim’s fault, all of it. And he was going to do everything he could to apologize.

 

-

 

He had to give Bones a little time to cool off, first, though. He wasn’t-

 

Okay, jokes about not being suicidal were Not Appropriate. Note to self. Bones would have him sectioned before he laughed at something like that.

 

Instead, he returned to his duties, such as they were. There were a lot of letters to write to the families of crew members they had lost. Jim let his tears fall while he drafted them, because they deserved to be honored and mourned, and he had sacrificed everything to try and save them but it hadn’t been enough.

 

He didn’t send anything that first night. Instead he thought about how the notification of his death would have been sent to his mother, an unknown number of light-years away, riddled with the sort of logical detail Spock preferred in his formal correspondence. Nobody would even have told Bones, had he not been on the same ship. Not that they would have needed to. He had felt his heart snap but somehow kept going, the strongest one of either of them as always, the bravest and the kindest.

 

Jim took advantage of his empty quarters to cry himself to sleep, mourning a loss of his own that, selfishly and self-indulgently, seemed no less final.

 

The letters all went out the next day, suitably personal but insufficient to assuage Jim’s guilt or to distract him from the chasm that had opened up in his chest.

 

It took him about twenty minutes to get himself banned from the bridge for interfering. He went down to Engineering with every intention of offering what help he could, but Scotty was as close to panicked as Jim had ever seen him. Poor Pavel was almost beside himself and the resulting effusion of omega pheromones made Jim’s head spin.

 

He dragged Pavel into Scotty’s office to alternately sympathize with and apologize for the circumstances that had led to his latest plight, all the while working to get them both drunk enough that he could no longer tell whether the artificial gravity was still working properly or not.

 

“Oh for fucks sake,” Scotty said when he found them laying on the floor in an attempt to stop the room from spinning. “How am I supposed to catch up before either of you pass out?”

 

-

 

“No, it’s not-“ Pavel huffed as he endeavored to explain, some time later. “There is no voice in your head telling you to act a certain way. It’s just- like when you can feel the pheromones in the air. Like today, you knew I was upset. Well, being an omega is like having those feelings, only they’re pushing you to mate with the most suitable alpha. I wish it made as much sense as a voice in my head.”

 

“Is that not the same thing you get, though?” Scotty asked Jim, who was a little distracted realizing, a little too late, that he appeared to be punishing himself.

 

He did his best to form an answer, anyway. “No, I think the alpha side is more- well, not rational. Just- tangible. You just have this feeling of what’s right and what’s wrong and you want to correct it.”

 

“Ugh.” Pavel rolled his eyes, and both Scotty and Jim stared at him with some alarm. “I resent your phrasing, because if that is the case, I have had many alphas offer to _correct_ me.”

 

“Who?” Jim asked, at the same time Scotty said:

 

“I’ll fucking kill them.”

 

“See, that’s the instinct I meant.” Jim gestured vaguely as Scotty looked horrified and Pavel indignant. “Being a decent human being had to come first, of course, whatever your gender. It’s just that perception of what you can stand and what you can’t. Only- there’s not a voice in your head, more like an unstoppable rage that has to come out, this energy that’s pent up and impossible to express except in those heated moments when it just explodes, and it can be rage, or sadness, or love, but you just know you have to do something. It’s not in you to not.”

 

Both of them stared at him for a few moments before Scotty -who as it turned out had not forgiven Jim for all of the many things he had done wrong, very recently- sipped his drink and asked. “What the fuck are you doing down here with us then?”

 

Pavel muttered something in Russian and covered his face with his hands.

 

Jim had flinched, then he fought the urge to run, because he’d done enough of that and he needed someone to be honest with him when Bones wasn’t around. “Because sometimes it’s better to wait for emotions to settle before you go stirring them up again.”

 

It looked as though Scotty was willing to concede that, but Pavel looked up and narrowed his eyes. “Sometimes, when emotions fade, there is no way to bring them back to what they once were. Like data, being overwritten. Things are lost, yes, but they can be restored as long as you do not replace them with something new. Such as anger, or resentment. Or grief.”

 

“What if it’s already been overwritten?”

 

“Well, you don’t know, unless you try to go through the recovery process. Have you tried to go through the recovery process?”

 

Jim dropped his gaze, shook his head.

 

Pavel reached out to pat his knee, then asked the most important question of all. “Do you have anything, at all, to lose by trying?”

 

-

 

He was right, of course. Jim had nothing, no purpose or motivation or reason without Bones. Still, even he wasn’t so mad as to go knocking on the unfamiliar door to the CMO’s quarters while he was drunk in what passed for the early hours of the morning on a ship only vaguely attempting to realign itself with a suitable Earth timeline.

 

He drank himself to sleep and then woke up with his mind buzzing with ideas and options, things to do, without settling on any particular one.

 

The Admiralty wanted them for another five-year mission, an exploration into deep space. Jim considered not even reading the message beyond the subject heading, but he owed it to his crew to at least try, for their sake. It looked as though some of them had already seen the brief, judging by the number of names on the suggested crew roster. Very few of the officers were confirmed in their posts, and Jim could understand that with the recent upheaval.

 

Another email in the chain caught his eye and he opened it without thinking, too horrified to contemplate the possibility but there it was, clear as day.

 

_Confirmed vacancy: Chief Medical Officer._

 

Jim suppressed a sob with a hand clamped over his mouth and read on, heart pounding, scrolling with shaking fingers.

 

Bones had resigned, citing health reasons. And who could blame him? Jim had always been the one dragging him out into space, about the last place he wanted to be, having sought therapy for his phobia or not. Of course he wouldn’t be able to stand the idea of five long years with that rift between them, having to engage at weekly meetings and maintain civility and act like nothing had happened, because as far as Starfleet was concerned, nothing had.

 

The thing was, Jim wasn’t so sure he could do it alone, either.

 

-

 

He had promised himself he wouldn’t loiter outside Bones’ quarters, that he would avoid drawing attention to their changing relationship any more than was actually necessary.

 

But he had never had to knock to gain entry before, had always strolled right in, and something in his mind just ground to a halt before he could set his hand to the metal. Ringing the bell seemed even worse, a loud and intrusive sound when he was trying his best to be subtle.

 

He almost leapt out of his skin when his comm trilled, and he winced, hoping nobody had heard it as he pulled it out, a little relieved by the temporary delay until he saw it was a message from Bones.

 

“I can practically feel you pacing. Just come in. The code hasn’t changed.”

 

That meant something, didn’t it? That Bones hadn’t locked him out. Jim touched the keypad with trembling fingers and stepped into the room he had only ever seen on blueprints. He noticed only that it bore a passing resemblance to his own, but was maybe a little smaller, before his focus narrowed to the most important part of the room.

 

God, he’d missed Bones. Just being around him was simultaneously calming and uplifting, both of those sensations impossibly enhanced by their separation. Jim just wanted to sink to his knees at Bones’ feet, to just touch him and breathe him in and remember, again, all of his reasons for being.

 

Bones was standing, leaning against the wall on the other side of the room, and he had his arms folded across his chest but he didn’t look defensive, just insecure. God, Jim had done that to him, had whittled away at the heart of the strongest person he knew until he was fragile and broken.

 

“I’m so sorry,” Jim choked out before he could even contemplate stopping himself. Bones’ customary, gorgeous scowl softened into something more like sad resignation and he avoided Jim’s eyes as he nodded. There was a bottle of nutrient shake in one of his hands and Jim frowned at it. “What are you drinking?”

 

Bones looked like he’d forgotten it was even in his hand, lifted the half-empty bottle to check the contents. “It’s a protein shake. Good nutrition.”

 

“It’s chocolate. You hate the chocolate one. You used to make me brush my teeth before I came anywhere near you after I’d drunk one.” The _used to_ didn’t hurt as much as it could have. Jim had stopped drinking them a couple of months into their relationship. It wasn’t associated with their break-up. It was still weird, though, and judging by Bones’ returning scowl he knew it too.

 

“I just wanted a change from the strawberry one and this is all we had. Did you come here to interrogate me on my eating habits or was there something you needed?”

 

 _You_ , Jim managed not to say, that time. “I just wanted to talk. I- saw you resigned.”

 

Genuine regret replaced the scowl, then, and Jim felt so deeply sad for both of them that he could hardly stand it. What they had- it had been perfect. The best thing that had ever happened to him against so many odds. He couldn’t believe it had gone to shit, been torn away from them so suddenly.

 

Except it hadn’t been suddenly, had it? He had been in a cryotube while Bones worked himself through grief and loss to formulate a miracle, forgoing sleep and food and the basics of self-care in order to bring Jim back, even after all he had done. Bones was so, so worthy of love and Jim had forgotten that, right when it mattered the most. It was no wonder Bones was leaving.

 

“It’s a temporary leave of absence, technically. I got offered all sorts to- come back, after I’m recovered. Any ship in the ‘fleet, apparently. I might want it someday, but- right now I just need a change and some space.” Bones’ lips quirked up just the slightest bit at the dual meaning of the phrase, and it filled Jim with so much hope he thought his heart would burst. Bonded or not, there was so much tying them together. They worked so well. That had to mean something, didn’t it?

 

“The kind that’s not- uhh- what was the phrase? Disease and danger wrapped in darkness and silence?”

 

Bones still wouldn’t quite meet Jim’s eyes, but he was almost smiling, and Jim adored him so much, would do anything for him, would take the pain and the awkwardness and the grief if it meant the slightest chance of ever seeing that smile again. If they met one another’s eyes across the med-bay of another ship, or could share a coffee some day on a distant Starbase, it would be agony, but he would do it.

 

He watched Bones’ throat as he swallowed thickly, popped the lid on the bottle of shake -still weird- with a thumb and took a swig without even a grimace at the taste, although he did close his eyes for a moment as though to steady himself.

 

It made Jim’s heart squeeze to think of that phrase -health issues- and wonder if there was more to it than he had initially thought, something beyond the emotional effects of the sudden severing of a bond. Could Jim’s presence be having an effect on him? Of course nobody had ever been able to study the impact of an alpha’s pheromones on their omega after their bond had been severed by death.

 

But Bones didn’t look sick. His skin was clear, if a little pale, but that could have been the fluorescent lighting; his eyes were bright and in the T-shirt and sweatpants he wore in his own quarters, Jim could see he hadn’t lost weight. If anything, although it was difficult to tell with the way he stood, he had gained a little around the middle-

 

Jim let out an awful, horrified keening sound so far from human that Bones cringed with a hiss through his teeth, felt his knees give way, his whole universe turning on its axis because it couldn’t be, he couldn’t have-

 

God, he was the worst alpha ever. “I almost left you,” he panted, so deep in his panic and distress he didn’t even know if he was saying it to Bones or himself. How could he not have noticed? He had been feeling overly protective for months, had taken more joy in providing and caring and loving than ever, so happy and satisfied. That explained why it hurt so much, the things that shouldn’t even have mattered alongside losing Bones as a partner. Having him leave their space, the one Jim had been unknowingly arranging, preparing and fortifying, had been a deep and brutal wrench. The slightest mention of another alpha paying Bones attention had left him borderline feral where before he could have rationalized it. He could have laughed it off, back when he had known Bones would have been coming home to him.

 

Bones was there, at his shoulder, and Jim opened eyes blurred with tears to look at him, reached for him until he remembered that of course it wasn’t welcome, he wouldn’t be welcome. He stopped, one hand outstretched, a wordless question Bones ignored until Jim sagged, unable to do anything but repeat, voice breaking, “I almost left you.”

 

He knew Bones heard the plural _you_ , because one arm slid down to curve protectively around the beginnings of his swollen belly. Jim nearly burst into tears at the thought that Bones could ever feel like he needed protecting from Jim, that the tiny, vulnerable being inside of him could ever come to harm while Jim was anywhere near.

 

“You did leave us, Jim.” Bones’ voice was low, with a deep gravity that made Jim want to curl in on himself with shame. “I brought you back.”

 

As though Jim needed any more proof that he was nothing without Bones. He tried to catch his breath in between the hiccuping sobs that threatened to overwhelm him. “I’m sorry, Bones. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. I didn’t think. Please-“ he couldn’t continue, wished Bones would touch him, wished Jim could be better, could be anyone but himself.

 

“You always said-“ Bones did run his fingers through Jim’s hair, then, to soothe him and convince him to make sense. It felt like an electrical current sparking down Jim’s spine. He never wanted the moment to be over but, too soon, Bones went on. “That I kept you grounded. And maybe I do. But you don’t want to be grounded. You want to fly. That’s why I didn’t tell you, as soon as I knew. This is your chance.”

 

But that made no sense. There was no flying without Bones, without the life they had created together. Jim’s words, the ones he could muster, fell out in a mess. “Bones, please. I’ll do anything. As much or as little contact as you want, with you, and- our baby. Anything you want, just please don’t let them grow up without knowing their sire.”

 

Bones’ face shifted through so many emotions in that moment that Jim couldn’t pin them down, then he raised a hand and said, with deadly calm. “Hold that thought.”

 

Jim recoiled, wounded, and Bones walked away. And he closed the door to the bathroom behind him with a wave but Jim could still hear him vomiting, each strained reaching sound and gasp making Jim realizle, with increasing certainty, that he should have been there, he should have been at his side, stroking his hair and rubbing his back and sitting together on the floor, just offering whatever support he could. But if not for Bones, he wouldn’t even have been there at all.

 

When Bones emerged, hair a little damp from where he’d washed his face, he waved away Jim’s cautious offer of water and instead picked up the bottle of nutrient shake to take a few tiny sips. He sank onto the couch, and after a moment met Jim’s eyes and patted the cushion beside him, inviting him to sit. It was more that Jim had dared to hope for, and it made his heart squeeze painfully.

 

“This is about all I can stomach at the moment,” Bones ventured, shaking the bottle, staring at the liquid within as though it might hold some answers. “And for some reason, this is the only flavour I want.”

 

Jim adored him, weird pregnancy cravings and all, his terror at the concept of caring for a small, defenceless child shoved aside. Just the conversation felt like a victory, a step closer to what he needed, the only outcome he could imagine. He had to do it, had to do everything he could to be involved in some way in the lives of the two people he loved most in the universe.

 

“They’re doing a mint chocolate one, now. I could- get you a box ordered for when we dock. If you want.”

 

Bones just looked at him for a long moment, considering, giving Jim no indication of what he was thinking until he said, “I’d like that. Thanks.”

 

Jim sat up a little taller at the concession, at being allowed to help even in that small way.

 

“Jim, I- you know this won’t be easy. I’m not exactly good-natured at the best of times. So if you’re- not planning on seeing this through, no matter what, then please- just go now. I want you to be around. I want our baby to know you. And I don’t want-“ Bones’ expression creased, as though the words hurt him to say, “I don’t want what we had. I can’t do that again. It’s not just me I have to consider. So if that’s all you want-“

 

“It’s not.” And Jim was just as surprised to learn that was the truth, and it felt like a weight off his shoulders to say it. “I mean, I love you. I’ll always love you, you’re the other part of me. But I’m not here to try and get you to take me back. I just want to be around you and around our baby. As much as I can. Whatever you’re comfortable with. I made a mistake, I know. I’ll never make it again, I swear. You -the two of you- come first.”

 

Bones didn’t look entirely convinced. Jim couldn’t really blame him. Well, he would just have to prove it. So Bones wouldn’t feel like he had to give him an answer, he asked, “So how far along are you?”

 

He didn’t think he was imagining the relief he saw on Bones’ face. “About three months.”

 

“Holy shit,” Jim breathed, and Bones nodded with a small smile, “You have to stay sober for the next six months?”

 

Bones laughed, although the sound was suspiciously watery, and let his head fall back against the cushion of the couch. “I know, it’s the worst. And- I’ll be assessed to find my suitability for breast-feeding and I’m not supposed to drink during that either.”

 

Jim’s mind went a little blank for a moment just imagining Bones, a little softer exactly where it mattered, his nipples swollen with his ability to feed the baby, their baby, cradled against his chest.

 

Bones hit him around the head with a cushion. “None of that, thank you.”

 

“It was innocent!”

 

“Sure it was,” But Bones was rollling his eyes fondly and so Jim clutched his newly acquired pillow to his chest, bringing his knees up and twisting so he was facing Bones.

 

“Have you told anyone?”

 

“Well- I haven’t told anyone. I wasn’t going to, until I told you, I swear. But- Geoff knows. He’s the one who scanned me when I- collapsed.”

 

Jim’s blood ran cold. “You collapsed? What happened?”

 

“It was while you were-“ Bones stopped, expression pained, and Jim had never hated anyone as much as he hated himself in that moment. “I’m not ready to talk about that yet. I might never be.”

 

Bones was so strong. Jim would do anything he could just to make it a little easier on him. “Okay.” And then because he would say it until he couldn’t any more, if it stood even a chance of having some meaning, “I’m sorry.”

 

“I know you are.”

 

“But you don’t trust me not to do it all over again.”

 

It took a moment before Bones nodded.

 

Jim set his jaw, lifted his chin. “Well, you don’t need to know it. I’ll prove it to you.”

 

Bones looked him in the eye and said, “I hope so.”

 

-

 

Bones had told Jim not to quit drinking in solidarity for six months: “There’s no point in both of us being miserable. But if you turn up drunk off your ass because you need a hug I’ll throw your ass out, pregnant or no.”

 

Jim did it anyway. It was hard at first, when he couldn't explain to anyone why he was doing it, and it got harder when he could.

 

“I’m glad you guys are back together,” Scotty said, pounding Jim on the back and beaming so brightly Jim didn’t have the heart to correct him. Certainly, Bones didn’t make any effort to do so, but he had always maintained that their relationship was Nobody’s Damn Business, so Jim couldn’t read too much into it.

 

Didn’t stop him from wanting that hug, though.

 

And of course, everybody who had known that Jim and Bones had been bonded just assumed they were again. It made Jim realise just how wilfully blind he had been before, because it seemed like there was nobody who hadn’t known.

 

If anybody thought it was strange that they were sleeping in different quarters, though, nobody said anything.

 

Bones snorted when Jim told him that. They were in what had become their customary positions on Bones’ couch. “They’re not asking you because you’re the alpha. I get it at least three times a day. Well-meaning advice on sleeping better, passive-aggressive comments about hardly even showing anyway, so what’s to stop me bending over for it. Genuinely aggressive comments about-“ he sobered, then, and Jim was already staring at him in horror so he could only imagine how bad it must have been. “About you being able to find someone else who’ll do what I won’t.”

 

“I don’t want anybody else.”

 

“Maybe you should.”

 

“Don’t you do that,” Jim had meant to insist, but more pleaded, “Don’t tell me to give up on you, don’t try and convince me to be the one who leaves this time, because I won’t. If you want someone else then- God, I’d hate it, but I’d understand. You deserve someone who can give you everything and I know you don’t think that’s me, any more. I know I- proved it wasn’t. But I’m here until you tell me to go. No matter what.”

 

Bones said nothing, but he reached out to take Jim’s hand and held it until it was time for him to go.

 

-

 

Jim got new emails every day confirming new names on the Enterprise crew roster. Scotty had signed up, Pavel too, then Hikaru. There was no commitment from Spock or Uhura, at first, and he had more applications for the position of CMO than he knew what to do with.

 

But the Enterprise would be in dry dock for at least six months with all the repairs and upgrades she needed. All of that could wait.

 

Jim set his ‘fleet issue padd aside and picked up his own, settling in to read a few more chapters of his latest parenting manual before he went to join Bones for dinner. If he stayed too long, Bones got antsy, and if there was no structure, conversation could get a little awkward, so he had tried not to push for more even though all he wanted, every waking moment, was to sink into Bones’ arms and never leave.

 

Bones’ apartment in San Francisco was nice enough, a little small for a two bedroom but not unbearably so. It was just a rental while he apparently looked for something else but frankly Jim thought he was just holding out a little longer to see if Jim was actually planning on sticking around. Jim was doing his best to prove himself but he knew only time would really test his determination.

 

They still sat on the couch, at opposite ends, facing one another. Bones’ belly was growing, Jim simultaneously thrilled and terrified anew every time he saw him. His alpha instincts had always leaned more towards the caretaking end of the spectrum anyway, but every time Bones accused him of fussing with that sweet, secret smile on his face, it made his heart swell with pride.

 

“Are you nervous about the birth?” Jim asked that night, sipping at his mug of tea, another gesture of solidarity since Bones had also been avoiding caffeine. It wasn’t so bad, and those months of being comfortably warm while relaxing on the couch made him feel so grateful for what he had after coming so close to losing it all.

 

“Not really.” Bones shrugged and Jim was in awe of his strength until the follow-up: “I’ll be getting a C-section.”

 

“But-“ Jim began to object before he realised exactly how unwise that was, and by that time Bones was arching a brow at him expectantly. Shit. It had been so long since they’d had a fight and Bones could be so touchy those days, but there was nothing for it. “It’s just that studies have shown that babies born by way of a C-section have reduced ability to cope with stress in later life.”

 

To Jim’s intense relief, Bones just rolled his eyes. “Those studies are ancient. And greatly biased towards the female biology. Male pregnancy is an issue that’s only been fully acknowledged and researched fairly recently, and studies have also shown that the risk of acute physical trauma is much higher in males giving birth unassisted.”

 

That was actually pretty reasonable and Jim could concede those points, although he was still a little anxious about the whole thing. There were risks to every operation, and while he trusted Bones’ abilities completely, of course he wouldn’t be allowed to perform his own surgery. It would mean placing him in the hands of someone else, someone Jim wasn’t sure he could trust.

 

“You’re sure?” He settled for asking, and oh, there was the dangerously irritated expression.

 

“Yes, I’m sure. And anyway, this isn’t a debate.”

 

“I’m a part of this-”

 

“Well, once you pass something the size of a cantaloupe and have healed from the resulting rectal tearing, you get a say,” Bones told him firmly, then seemed to soften. “Jim. I’m not trying to block you out. But this particular decision- it’s my body. I don’t want to fight with you about it.”

 

“Can I be there? At the surgery?”

 

“You-“ Bones looked a little uncertain himself, for a moment. “You want to be at the birth? It gets pretty grizzly.”

 

“I’ll be there, I promise. Nothing could keep me away.”

 

“And if my doctor’s an alpha? I can trust you not to maul them when they cut into me?”

 

Jim clenched his fists, could hardly even cope with the thought of Bones and their baby so defenceless. Somehow he managed to respond with minimal growling. “I would- prefer it if they weren’t. But I’ll deal with it. I know that- they’re qualified and there’s nothing I can do except promise you that I’ll be there, every step.”

 

Bones’ expression went soft in that telltale way that meant he was maybe, possibly about to touch Jim, to allow him to savor the affection for a few moment, but he didn’t reach out. “My doctor is a beta. She’s very good. But due dates are rarely correct. She might not be on duty when I need the surgery and there are alpha doctors at the hospital. If you’re planning on being there- just be prepared, that’s all.”

 

“I just want you both healthy.” Jim didn’t stop his eyes from watering as he turned them on Bones, fully aware he was opening himself up for a reminder of just how hypocritical he was being.

 

“She’s a good doctor. The best.”

 

“The best doctor’ll be the one on the table,” Jim muttered, and he hadn’t even really meant to but Bones flushed beautifully at the compliment.

 

“If I could do it myself, I would.”

 

“Could I do it?” Jim mostly-joked.

 

“Oh, Good Lord, no.” Bones laughed. “If I teach you medicine I’ll never get you in for a check-up ever again.”

 

Jim hadn’t thought about it. It hadn’t even occurred to him, but his heart leapt at the words. “You’re still- you’re still my doctor?”

 

“Well- unofficially. Geoff’s name is in your file now. But he knows. I wouldn’t- I won’t do that to you.”

 

“Thank you.” Jim didn’t deserve him. He never had.

 

And it was like Bones read his mind, then, because for a moment he looked like he was about to argue but then he opened his arms, wrapped them around Jim as he sobbed and crawled into the warm familiar hold, conscious of his weight in a way he never had been before, his head on Bones’ strong shoulder. Before, Bones would have stroked his back, would have been sliding hands under his clothes to touch him everywhere. Then, he just held Jim until he stopped shaking, huffed as Jim attempted to find somewhere to rest his arm so it wouldn’t put pressure on Bones’ belly, took hold of Jim’s wrist to guide him across his chest and didn’t resist when Jim flattened his palm over his sternum to feel the beating of his heart.

 

Jim revelled in the sensations he had thought at one point he would never experience again. It was so clear to him at that moment, more than ever, that he needed to do whatever he could to keep their progress going. Maybe Bones could never forgive him, might never take him back and be willing to bond with him, but as long as he wanted Jim in his life, he could deal with that.

 

He did his best not to grumble when Bones started to nudge him away, achieved it but was possibly pouting a little while he found his way back from how relaxed and comfortable and safe he had been. Bones was pretty gentle when he shoved him out the door and Jim took a moment to smile dumbly to himself, out in the hallway, because despite everything, they were still okay.

 

-

 

Clearly he had been doing something right, anyway, because coincidence or fate or karma or something was definitely on his side.

 

Bones was getting bigger and was enormously self-conscious about it. Jim just found it hopelessly, endlessly attractive. He’d put on a little everywhere, but mostly around his middle, something which irritated him immensely because he’d started being approached by strangers who wanted to touch. Pregnant male omegas were still a novelty, Bones had grumbled, but that didn’t obligate him to become some sort of sideshow attraction when he was trying to buy coffee.

 

“Yes, it was decaf,” he muttered darkly, when he saw Jim’s hesitance, clearly in a higher energy state of his many and varied mood swings when he complained, leaning on the counter in the kitchen as he boiled water for tea. “Fortunately for the guy who put his hands on me. Unfortunately for him, it was still pretty hot.”

 

“You dumped your coffee on him?”

 

Bones shrugged. “They made me another. And his alpha apologised pretty overbearingly so I nearly lost that one too, but- _oh_.”

 

“Bones?” Jim was at his side in an instant, had seen Bones’ eyes widen as he flinched, pressing a hand against his swollen belly. He did it again and Jim was on the verge of panicking for real when Bones grabbed his wrist, sliding Jim’s hand under the hem of his shirt to lay it flat. It was the first time he’d ever initiated physical contact like that. Jim had been allowed to see scan results but never to touch, to feel the reality of what was growing, miraculously, in the body of the one he loved.

 

Beneath his palm, something- fluttered. “Is that-?” He looked to Bones, who was watching him. Jim had never wanted to kiss him so badly in his life. “That’s our baby?”

 

“That’s them.” Bones’ smile was soft and fond, and Jim longed for the days when it had been directed at him. Maybe one day, he told himself, with more optimism than he’d allowed himself to feel, before. “First time I felt it. I’m- glad you were here.”

 

“Me too.” Jim was smiling, too, without permission from any rational part of his brain. “There’s nobody I’d rather be doing this with than you, Bones.”

 

Bones looked away, and Jim did his best not to show how that broke his heart, let his hand slip from Bones’ skin, the most intimate touch they’d shared since- everything. He wanted to do more, to reassure, to lean in and press a kiss to Bones’ temple and tell him that he didn’t need to worry about all the things he was always worrying about. He was an amazing, sweet and perfect omega, so vibrant and protective and loving that Jim was in awe of him every day. Jim was so proud to know him, to be allowed to share those moments with him even after all he had done.

 

“You hungry?” He said, instead of all of that, and Bones looked so grateful it hurt.

 

“I’m always hungry. This baby’s gonna be huge.”

 

“You, uhh-“ Jim ventured cautiously, aware emotions were already running high but unsure if he’d find a better opening before he lost his chance. It was already a little late, according to all his books. “You find out whether it’s a boy or a girl soon, right?”

 

“I- can.” Bones sank into a seat at the dining table. “I wasn’t going to. If- it means a lot to you, I could have the doctor contact you-“

 

“No! I mean- I just- I don’t want to keep secrets from you. I just wanted to be there. If you did. I don’t- I mean I’ll love them either way. Obviously. Fuck, please stop me.”

 

“It really doesn’t bother you? I just don’t want to have to deal with all the questions yet. It doesn’t matter to me either.”

 

“You-“ Jim hated the uncertainty in his own voice, pressed on because he had to, “If you- change your mind. You won’t find out without me, will you?”

 

“Sure, Jim.”

 

“And if there’s anything wrong- you’ll tell me?”

 

“How about you just come with me when I get my scans?”

 

“Really? I mean- yes. Please.”

 

“I’ll send you the dates.”

 

Jim thought that was as good a time as any to get the chocolate ice cream out the freezer and set it down on the table, passing over a spoon, too. Bones looked at him suspiciously but Jim just set about making dinner until he stopped. Nothing was going to ruin his mood.

 

-

 

Leonard had always found new parents hopelessly infuriating. Working in hospitals, he had so often been surrounded by their simpering, emotional displays, as though they were the first human beings ever to have experienced the result of the species’ foremost biological impulse.

 

Staring down at the beautiful baby girl in his arm, through, he understood all of it. Thought some of those parents hadn’t been emotional enough, actually. He had formed a person inside of his body, a person who was the perfect fusion of genes from his side and from Jim’s. If she got too many of her features from him, she was going to be stunning. God, he hoped she wouldn’t be as reckless and impulsive as Jim, but since Leonard had bonded to a man he’d only just met and then gone gallivanting through space with him, chances were pretty slim.

 

He was going to treasure every moment until then. He stroked her downy hair with the gentlest possible touch and looked up to find Jim, in the chair beside his, clearly just as awestruck and overwhelmed as Leonard. And about thirty times as gorgeous. It had been a sweet, wonderful torture having him so close the previous few months. Leonard had appreciated the help more than he could ever express, especially considering Jim could have taken Leonard’s first, emotional words to him as an abject rejection. It wasn’t like he would have had any trouble finding somebody who was altogether less effort. Someone who might actually trust him enough to put out, someone willing to journey through space with him for the foreseeable future instead of tying him down to a child he had never asked for.

 

He hadn’t meant to get pregnant. While he had taken breaks from his suppressants when he and Jim could both spare the time to get him through his heat, he had always kept up to date with birth control shots. One of them must have failed, or an alien atmosphere affected the dosage or something, because it certainly hadn’t been something he had been prepared for when Geoff had scanned him, about six days into Jim’s- after Jim’s death. Leonard had seen the results and almost fainted all over again before he had managed to reconcile reality with what he had been feeling. Then, he had been mostly grateful that he’d been steering clear of alcohol for the previous couple of months, his body sending signals that were only just beginning to make sense.

 

But Jim had been gone, and even when he was back, that pain hadn’t stopped. Leonard had been mourning the loss of an idea, of a potential future that he had hoped for but which had ultimately been proven impossible, because there was no way Jim had even considered him in his final moments. He hadn’t even thought to speak with him in the remaining time during which he’d managed his little friendship chat with Spock.

 

Leonard had tried to leave him, he really had, but every challenge, every hurdle he’d thrown at Jim’s feet to test him, to give him an opportunity to fail or change his mind had been met with relentless, optimistic persistence. He really seemed to believe what he was saying, that he wanted to be around, that Leonard’s mood swings were nothing to worry about, that he would stay after the thirtieth consecutive night with only a few hours of sleep, with vomit down his clothes, changing diapers and arranging playdates and staying on Earth.

 

It was too good to be true, and Leonard knew better than to trust the fragile hope that blossomed in his chest every time Jim made a new commitment, or an additional promise. Still, it didn’t stop him from asking, “Did you want to name her after anybody?”

 

Jim looked at him like he was insane. “Definitely not. Life’s hard enough without giving her one of my outrageous family legacies to compete with. It’s better if- she’s just her.”

 

“Fair enough.” Leonard had thought that would be the case, but he hadn’t quite been sure. He wanted to give Jim a chance to have a say, and not just because- “I have no idea what to name her. What does she look like to you?”

 

It was a little jarring to see how stunned Jim was to be asked. Maybe Leonard really hadn’t been fair to him, had expected more than he gave.

 

“Well, there is one- but no. You should choose. You made her.”

 

“Couldn’t exactly have done it without you. Go on, what is it?”

 

Jim bit his lip. Leonard looked unimpressed and eventually his stubbornness won out. It was so strange to see Jim so uncertain and Leonard made a mental note to treat him better. He really had earned it.

 

“There’s been a lot in my life that changes. Sometimes there’s a reason, sometimes there’s not. Sometimes it’s my fault.” Jim met Leonard’s eyes, another apology, another promise. “And there are all sorts of places to go and things to do, but- well, a child deserves a family. A real home. They’re a part of something that you always want to come back to. I always thought that if I had a child, they’d be my- it’s really old fashioned, but I just like- Constance. As a name.”

 

Leonard looked down at the baby girl in his arms, at her serious dark eyes, at that moment fixed on Jim, just the tiniest crease in her brow. Like she didn’t understand why that half of her family was so far away.

 

“What do you think, baby girl?” He asked, and she stared up at him with a little pout as though she couldn’t believe he’d had to ask. “I think we’ve found you a name.”

 

With honest-to-God tears in his eyes, Jim stared at him, and Leonard felt just terrible. He should have known better, should have been better, tried harder to let Jim know just how important he was to their family. He faked so much, so well, so often that even Leonard could forget how his life had been before they had met. If Leonard had fallen for him hard and fast, Jim’s descent into their co-dependent relationship had been supersonic. It wasn’t the time to apologize, but Leonard would make it up to him, he would.

 

“You-“ Jim sobbed before he could find more words, which gave Leonard a chance to correct him.

 

_“We.”_

 

They had never been prime examples of their expected gender roles. But Leonard hadn’t realised exactly how much power he had accumulated, how absolutely Jim had submitted to his will and his whims until the gorgeous, strong and determined alpha slipped effortlessly out of his seat and to his knees at Leonard’s feet, resting his forehead on Leonard’s knee.

 

“I love you so fucking much, Bones. Thank you. I’ll do anything, everything I can, I swear, for our little girl. And for you.”

 

Leonard’s heart had stuttered at the display, the evidence of Jim’s devotion. How could the man in front of him be the same one with whom he had been so completely, unspeakably angry? The one who had eased Leonard into a position of incomparable vulnerability and then suddenly left him?

 

He had told himself he wouldn’t ask, would wait for Jim to raise the topic and then follow his lead, but Leonard didn’t think his heart could cope with any more uncertainty. He stroked Jim’s hair, Constance cradled between his other arm and his chest, then touched Jim’s chin, urging him to meet Leonard’s eyes.

 

“When are you leaving?” He asked.

 

He saw hurt, then confusion, then resignation cross Jim’s expression, but he didn’t fight Leonard’s fragile hold. “Whenever you tell me to go.”

 

It was a lovely sentiment, but not what Leonard had meant. “Jim. When does the Enterprise leave?”

 

“Oh. Uhh- two weeks, I think?”

 

“Isn’t that something her captain should know?”

 

Jim grinned sheepishly then, but he was also flushing guiltily. “Well, yeah. And I’m sure they do. Whoever they are.”

 

Leonard felt like the bottom had dropped out of his stomach. _“Jim.”_

 

“Yeah, I resigned my post.”

 

As though it was nothing, he shrugged, shifting his head so Leonard’s fingers, lax with shock, caressed his cheek instead. He seemed comfortable enough on his knees and disinclined to move, and Leonard was frozen in place.

 

“When?” -were you planning on telling me this? When did you decide? When did you commit yourself to a life with a man who claimed not to be able to love you?

 

Jim’s expression went a little wistful, then. “Do you remember- Independence Day? We sat on the roof, watched the displays. There were fireworks, lights, explosions. So much to see, but I couldn’t take my eyes off you. Even with all the places we’ve been, all that we’ve experienced- I’ve never seen anything as beautiful as you.”

 

Leonard’s heart was aching, but all he could think was, “Jim, you were literally born to be among the stars.”

 

“No.” Jim smiled. “I was born missing a part of myself, and I took to the stars to find something that would complete me. And I did. But then I almost let you go. I’m not gonna do that again.”

 

Oh, God. It was everything Leonard had wanted to hear for so long. His omega instincts roared in triumph but his mind told him that words couldn’t be trusted. How could he possibly accept such love when he’d spent the previous six months proving how little he’d earned it?

 

“Here.” Leonard stood, and Jim did the same, pleased then panicked then awestruck as Leonard gently deposited Constance in his arms, mind racing but the safety and care of their baby at the forefront. He noted Jim’s hold was suitable, if likely to make him uncomfortable if sustained for long periods. He did his best to make his voice gentle, even though his thoughts were anything but. “Hold our baby. Our Constance. I’ll be right back.”

 

As he crossed to the bathroom, before he closed the door, he heard Jim talking to her. “Hey baby. You’re so beautiful. But you’re half my favourite person in the universe, so I guess that makes sense. I can’t believe I even get to hold you, precious thing.”

 

Leonard leaned back against the door, had to bite down on his fist to keep from sobbing. He had to keep it together, but his hormones were all over the place, his body still recovering from trauma. He didn’t doubt that whatever he said and did, Jim would roll with it. He would cast his own happiness aside and every chance for it that followed by staying with them, by trusting that what they did was for the best and that Leonard was the one who should be making those decisions.

 

On the off-chance it would help anything, Leonard washed his hands, splashed his face with water and rinsed his mouth out. He felt steadier afterwards, but no less lost. Through the door, he could hear Jim’s soothing murmurs, his words of love to their baby.

 

Was it really so awful for Leonard to be proved wrong? Could he let Jim’s life and their shared future be defined by one moment, one decision, the culmination of Jim’s entire lifetime of being compared to a father he’d never met?

 

God fucking damnit.

 

The real question was, could he forgive Jim when Jim himself didn’t feel like he deserved it?

 

When Leonard dragged himself back into the room, Jim was still gazing down at Constance, his voice softer as her eyes closed for a little longer with every blink. She was falling asleep in his arms, safe and protected. Leonard understood the feeling.

 

At the silent questioning-slash-terrified look Jim gave him, Leonard crossed to help him set her down in the tiny bed provided. She settled well enough, but neither of them strayed far, just staring at her for another few moments. Jim leaned back against the biobed that had been Leonard’s like he couldn’t quite stand on his own. He was overwhelmed, and it wasn’t fair but neither was making him wait a moment longer than he had to, when he’d already been so patient for so long.

 

Leonard stepped closer, in between Jim’s legs, and if his own thoughts hadn’t done enough to convince him he was doing the right thing, then the hope that shone in Jim’s eyes when Leonard leaned in to kiss him did.

 

Jim whimpered, then sobbed, then clutched him tight, hands fisted in the baggy fabric of Leonard’s sweater as though he was convinced Leonard might disappear if he let him go.

 

“I’m so sorry, Bones,” he said, tearily, and Leonard cradled his face and kissed him again.

 

“If you need to say it, darlin’, that’s fine. But you don’t need to do it on my account. Not any more. I believe you, and- I forgive you. In fact-“ Leonard interrupted Jim’s attempted objections then because he needed him to understand. “I should be the one apologizing. I’ve treated you so badly these last few months because I thought- well, sweetheart, I was hurt so bad I thought I could never forgive you. But I’m so glad you went and proved me wrong. I love you Jim. I always have, even when I wanted not to. You complete me, too. You, and now our little Constance. And-“ Leonard sighed, not quite able to believe what he was about to say, “In eighteen years, if you find yourself in need of a CMO...”

 

For a moment, Jim was speechless, but then, “They won’t let us serve together if we’re officially bonded.”

 

Leonard kissed him again and nothing felt better than the moment Jim responded, soft and gentle and eager against him. “Better get working on changing the rules then, if-“ he suddenly went cold at the thought, “If you’ll have me.”

 

“Oh, Bones. There is nothing-“ for the first time in months, Jim kissed Leonard- “I would like more than for our baby to officially be a little McCoy-Kirk.”

 

If Leonard had been on a biobed, it would have been shrieking with the contortions his heart went through in that moment. Jim was still teary, still stunned and overwhelmed but sure, and he knew as well at anyone that in a hyphenated name, the alpha’s would always come first. That Jim was so willing, still, to stand up for him and his rights and his equality after the power imbalance he’d suffered through. Leonard was still astounded by him every day.

 

He grimaced, swallowed thickly and said, “I think Kirk-McCoy sounds better.”

 

The feral gleam in Jim’s eyes made him shiver and he settled his palm flat on Jim’s sternum, trying to project calm when all he could feel was deep, endless love and persistently rising arousal.

 

Grumbling only a little, Jim leaned in and nibbled at the side of his throat, seemingly intent on staking his claim in a visible if impermanent manner right away.

 

They would be allowed to go home soon, once a couple more tests came back. In the meantime, Leonard threaded his fingers through Jim’s hair and held him close.


End file.
